Season Two: Episode Twelve
Robert DeNiro doesn’t know who he is.
We present a scene that only works in a visual medium.
A new fraud kit is perfect for emotionally manipulative parents.
Ted and Michael go to sleep in their new bunk beds.
MPS: Hello listeners! Welcome to episode 12 of season 2 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” I’m Michael Paul Smith.
Ted: I am Ted O’Gorman.
MPS: You are listening to our season 2 finale, and Ted I have sensational news.
Ted: Lay it on me, brother.
MPS: We’ve just been picked up for season 3. We got renewed! Season 3 is happening.
MPS: At our current salary, no less.
Ted: Mike, are you getting paid?
MPS: No Ted, I’m not.
Ted: Oh. Is Gillian getting paid? Cause if anyone is, it should be her.
MPS: It should be her, but...well, in a way.
Ted: Ok...that’s disgusting. You’re doing that real close to my ear, man. Uh, I’m gonna leave.
MPS: Cool. I’ll actually get through it faster if you do. So for those of you that follow us on Twitter, you will remember perhaps a few months ago I tweeted a picture of Ted recording this sketch. And he sort of morphed his face into the person he was portraying. You’ll know it when you hear it. Enjoy.
“I’m Robert DeNiro”
Nurse: Doctor I think he’s waking up. He’s opening his eyes.
Doctor: Ok, easy there. You’ve been through quite an ordeal. Can you tell me where you are, sir?
DeNiro: (Groggy) I don’t know. It looks like I’m in a hospital…
Doctor: That’s good, do you remember what happened?
DeNiro: No. Why am I here?
Doctor: You were in a car accident. Everyone survived, but you took a significant bump to your head and were found unconscious inside your vehicle. Sir, this next question is very important. Do you know who you are?
DeNiro: Nah, doc. If I’m bein’ honest. I don’t know who the hell I am.
Doctor: Would it surprise you to learn that you are in fact award-winning actor Robert DeNiro?
DeNiro: I’m Robert DeNiro?
Doctor: That’s right.
DeNiro: I’m Robert DeNiro?
Doctor: You are.
DeNiro: You’re telling me I’m Robert DeNiro?
Doctor: Yes sir, that’s what I’m telling you. You didn’t have a license on you. The police will want to talk with you about that. But we all recognized you when you were admitted. You’ve been here for three days. And your family has confirmed your identity.
DeNiro: You’re telling me, I’m the guy that was in the 1976 psychological thriller “Taxi Driver” opposite Jodi Foster and Harvey Keitel?
Doctor: Yes indeed. Is it coming back to you now?
DeNiro: Absolutely not. Listen doc, I don’t know where you went to medical school, but the idea that I’m Robert De Niro is laughable. I never played a young Vito Corleone in Francis Ford Coppola’s “The Godfather Part 2.” Nor was I in the Penny Marshall drama “Awakenings”, released in 1990 to mixed reviews.
Doctor: Well you did in fact play both of those roles. Now why do you think you’d know all this information if you weren’t Robert DeNiro? You see?
DeNiro: You have my cell phone?
Doctor: I don’t believe you had one on you, sir.
DeNiro: Well that’s convenient.
Doctor: How’s that?
DeNiro: Well if you had my cell phone and you handed it to me, and Marty Scorsese’s number was in there, I might, just maybe, believe that I am in fact Robert DeNiro.
Doctor: I see. Well maybe a member of your family can bring in your cell phone.
Nurse: Or maybe Scorcese will hear about this and just come in and visit! Wouldn’t that be something?
Doctor: What if I asked a member of your family to contact Mr. Scorcese?
DeNiro: You mean DeNiro’s family. Don’t try to scam me, doc. I’m not not in the mood to analyze this and that.
Doctor: Do you...know what you just...said?
DeNiro: (Interrupting) See I have no memory of starring in a movie with Billy Crystal that eventually grossed $176.9 million.
Doctor: And yet that seems like something Robert DeNiro would know, specifically about a movie he starred in.
DeNiro: I’m watching you doc. I am watching you.
Doctor: That is a line from Meet the Parents!
DeNiro: Oh, Fuck you, doc!
Doctor: Did you say “Fuck you” or “Fock,” like Fockers?
Deniro: I’m sorry, Doc. I’m just a little...I’m insulted. I think you were a little out of order yourself.
Doctor: Watch this. How much would you say I insulted you?
DeNiro: I’d say you insulted me a little bit.
Nurse: How much? I didn’t catch that.
DeNiro: A little bit. Little bit.
*The doctor and nurse stifle laughs. A quick knock is heard.
Joe Pesci: Hey Bobby! How are these little pricks treatin’ ya? Heh! Heh!
DeNiro: Are you award-winning actor Joe Pesci?
Joe Pesci: Heh! Are you Robert DeNiro?
DeNiro: No. The answer is I am not.
Joe Pesci: You believe this prick!?
DeNiro: Answer me. Are you Joe Pesci?
Joe Pesci: I’ve known the fuckin’ guy 45 fuckin’ years. He’s gonna break my fuckin’ balls?
DeNiro: Are you Joe Pesci!?
Joe Pesci: Bobby, is this some kind of a fuckin’ bit, here or somethin’? Because I’m lost. I came here to the fuckin’ hospital to visit you and you expect me to participate in your fuckin’... I went to the fuckin’ gift shop I came up with a fuckin’ teddy bear, I bought this ridiculous thing for you.
Martin Scorsese: Joe, I told you to hold the elevator!
Joe Pesci: Marty you said you’d be right up. What am I, a fuckin’ mindreader?
Bobby, how are you feeling? You’re looking well. You could be looking better. Nurse, let’s dim the lights to about 65% and turn his bed to face south by southwest. Let’s re-frame all his cards and flowers so they’re in his eyeline like so. And swap the green jello for red. It plays better. Heightens the stakes.
Nurse: Mr. Scorcese, can I grab a quick selfie first?
Martin Scorsese: Sure. Gimme your phone. I have a few options in mind.
Doctor: Can I get in on that? Also? Please?
Martin Scorsese: Sure, Doc. Get over here. Wow, you are tall.
Joe Pesci: Marty, What am I, a mirage? What am I some kind of a fuckin’ prick?
Martin Scorsese: Nurse, grab an apple box. Doc, scrunch down just a little bit. Chin up.
Joe Pesci: I’m right here!
Martin Scorsese: Gosh, it’s still bright in here. It’s fine I can filter it later.
Joe Pesci: I’ll kill him!
Martin Scorsese: Joe. I almost forgot. Slide in here. There’s room for you, too. Now who has the longest arm? A steady hand is key, too. Whoever it is can’t be shy about multiple shots. The more options, the better.
DeNiro: (To himself) I guess I AM fuckin’ Robert DeNiro.
Joe Pesci: And this guy’s fuckin’ pulse monitor is tickin’ like this!
“Scenes For A Visual Medium: Monsters”
V.O: And now we present, scenes exclusively for a visual medium.
Anchor: After leaving millions dead, dispossessed, hurt, terrified, or at least really uncomfortable, it appears the monster has made landfall in New York city. For more on this, we take you to our only reporter still willing to report from the field, Janet Coleman. Janet?
Janet: Yes, Ned. I’m here on the western shore of the east river. The monster just used what few buildings that were left on Roosevelt Island to scratch his stomach, it seemed.
Ned: Looks like someone’s a little hysterical. Let me stop you there, Janet. Did the monster pluck the buildings from their foundations and use them as a sort of...Sharper Image-style scratching implement, or…?
Janet: No, Ned. This monster is over 400 feet in length. It has both enormous legs and wings. In this instance, it merely hovered over the better part of the island, crushing all that was beneath, and slid its body back and forth to get itself a good scratch. I’d imagine its scaly underside can get rather itchy. It might have been kind of adorable if it weren’t so terrifying. Ned?
Ned: Just confirming here, Janet. Did you say the monster walks as well as flies?
Janet: Oh, it walks, runs, stomps, flies, breathes air and even swims, Ned. Just before making landfall, it plunged into the river, perhaps also by way of indulging itself in a rinse after its calamitous belly scratch.
Ned: Uh...where is the monster now?
Janet: The monster is, uh...standing precariously over me at this time. There’s no way to describe this feeling without seeing it for yourself. Absolutely nothing on earth could serve as an appropriate comparison for this giant and terrifying creature. It seems to be looking directly at me, at this, uh...juncture, Ned. It’s alternately flying, stomping, and sort of grinning at me. It is now close enough that I can smell it’s...strangely hypnotic breath. Oh my God, it’s picking me up.
Ned: Fascinating, Janet. We’re gonna cut out to a quick commercial, will you stay put for us and come back for another segment?
Janet: It’s not really up to me, Ned.
Producer: And we’re clear.
Janet: Honestly, if it doesn’t eat me first, I might just try to befriend it and see if we could travel the world together. I’m realizing now I’m not a strong person. I’m now a willing servant of the monster. Ned?
V.O: This has been scenes exclusively for a visual medium.
“‘You Broke Something’ Fraud Kit”
V.O: Hi there parents. Are you tired of asking your children to behave? Do you find yourself regularly screaming into pillows? Gone are the days of, “You wait until your father gets home.” But the old classic of shaming your child into good behavior is alive and well with Tyburn Industries’ newly released, “You Broke My Childhood Memento Fraud Kit.”
Your Fraud Kit will include: an old toy locomotive from an antique train set, an old porcelain figurine of a mother and daughter holding hands, an old-looking vase, and a bottle of artificial tears. Place the intentionally fragile items tenuously throughout your house, and keep that bottle of tears ready. Be sure to set the items in an area of your home where your children were asked not to play. Then, sit back and wait for the crash. Calmly take a breath and deliver the performance of a lifetime.
Mom: What the heck is going on in here? What are you boys up to? I asked you not to play in here.
Ken: It’s not my fault Timmy pushed me!
Timmy: Did not! We were playing tag!
V.O: Begin to ignore the children and start to solely focus on the shattered object on the floor. Reverently kneel before it and summon a few tears. After that, just follow the item-specific script provided by Tyburn Industries. For instance, if your children broke the toy train you would say:
Mom: (Whispering) Do you have any idea what you’ve done? I can’t believe you boys broke it. It was the last thing that survived. I have nothing else to remind me of my Grandfather now.
Timmy: Mom, are you ok?
Mom: No. I’m not ok, Timmy. I’m not going to yell. But I want you to know what you’ve done. My grandfather never said he loved me. He wasn’t as affectionatte as your father and I am with you boys. The only thing we ever bonded over was his model train set. I was the only one of the grandkids he’d let play with it. Sometimes he’d even let me wear his conductor hat. I loved that time with Grandpa. When he died, most of his train set was sold. But in his will he left me this locomotive. His note said, “Keep this with you as you steam through life. I love you, peaches. Love, Grampa.”
Ken: Mom, we’re really sorry.
Timmy: Yeah, we didn’t mean nothing. We were just…
Mom: You were just? You were just told to stay out of this room, but that didn’t matter to you. Go to bed.
V.O: When you deem the manipulation a success, tell them:
Mom: I love you and forgive you both. But please from now on listen to me. I don’t care about the train, I just don’t want you boys getting hurt. Please don’t let this happen again. Now go out and play.
V.O: With that the cycle of guilt is reset, and primed for the next time they wink, wink, break a family heirloom. Tyburn Industries. Buy before you lie.
MPS: Ted, you ok buddy? You warm enough? You have enough blankets and everything?
Ted: Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for asking.
MPS: Sleep tight buddy. We’ve got a lot of sketches to record tomorrow.
Ted: These bunk beds were a great idea.
MPS: Your old buddy Mike still has some tricks up his sleeves. I aim to maximize production. More writing and more recording. No more commuting from one apartment to another. It's a great idea in every way.
MPS: What is it pal?
Ted: Can you tell me a story?
MPS: Sorry man, I just got up here and I didn’t bring a book.
Ted: That’s ok, you can make one up. You’re good at making up stories.
MPS: Ok, but this is the last one. Deal?
MPS: Once upon a time there were two best friends: Fred, and...Mitchell. They knew each other for years. They were such good friends that they even worked together.
Ted: I like this story. Were they firemen?
MPS: No, they were writers. They wrote and recorded sketches for their own podcast. And after a while they became so successful that people paid them to create more content. Fred and Mitchell made so much money that they could buy houses and fill them with all the things they ever wanted and they lived happily ever after.
Ted: I don’t think you finished the story.
MPS: Not this again. It was a happy ending.
Ted: It’s not the ending I have a problem with.
MPS: What is it Ted?
Ted: What happened to Mitchell's marriage when his wife, let’s call her Lillian, came home from an exhausting work trip and found that her husband had replaced their king size bed with bunk beds without consulting her? And in an act that some would call foolhardy, left the king size mattress on the street on a very rainy night.
MPS: Well I think Mitchell would probably tell Lillian that if she didn’t go on so many work trips, maybe their marriage would be better, and they could get a little more use out of that king size bed.
Ted: I didn’t realize this was a fantasy story you were telling, Mike.
MPS: Hey Ted?
MPS: Can I sleep on your couch for a while?
Ted: Sure buddy. Want to leave now?
MPS: Yes please.
MPS: So that was season 2 guys. If you’re still listening, that means that we’re really, we’ve let you in. And if you’re still here, then you’ve gotta be one of us.
Ted: Yeah, you’re chugging along on this choo choo train they call life with Mike and Ted.
MPS: And boy do we appreciate you. And if you’re sad that season 2 is over, which is pretty amazing, season 3 is in the works.
Ted: And guess what? You’re gonna be fine. Ok? Is there gonna be a hole in your heart that we used to fill? Yes. Re-listen to season 1. Re-listen to season 2. Memorize the sketches, if you need to. We will be back with season 3. We’re not abandoning you. We are not my dad.
MPS: Follow Ted home. Wait ‘til he puts the keys in the door. Tap him on the shoulder. Have him turn around scared. Ask him what his phone number is. Maybe he’ll be startled enough that he’ll just blurt out the truth. Remember what that number is, and then start calling him, texting him. Maybe he’ll reply. In which case, guess what? You’ve got yourself a new friend. Hallie’ll be fine with it.
Ted: There’s always food in the fridge.
MPS: Ted, I know you’re doing the “You” thing. But you’re gonna take us out with the last intro to the last dedication. So I want you to get up for it, man!
Ted: I got you. I got you.
MPS: Alright, lemme hear it!
Ted: Mike, Santa Claus is comin’ to town. I got this, baby. I got this. I’m doin’ this for you because I love you and I love those baby blues.
MPS: In small bursts, you’re really quite a delight.
Ted: Sorry, I dropped my phone. I’d like to dedicate this episode to the last 30 seconds of every episode of SNL.
MPS: Oh my God thank you guys so much we had so much fun making season two.
Ted: Thank you guys so much.
MPS: We have some people to thank. We wanna say thank you to Stan, the boom guy.
Ted: Thank you to GE Smith and the ‘Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones’ band.
MPS: Oh, you guys have been great. Rob the PA. Thank you to you.
Ted: Gillian for taking a chance on us all those years ago.
MPS: Thank you to Johnson Taylor Corp for giving Gillian and me the lease for the apartment in which we record.
Ted: Thank you to our mail carrier for not interrupting us with too many buzzes.
MPS: Hal, our lawyer.
Ted: Sylvia, our publicist. And Georganne her intern.
MPS: Georganne we love you. Everyone at Libsyn, thank you guys.
Ted: Whoever invented podcasting.
MPS: Whoever invented comedy for that matter.
Ted: We love you guys.
MPS: Gary, the head makeup guy. He’s the reason we look so good.
Ted: And Wendy Williams for making anything compared to her seem so much better. Thank you Wendy!
MPS: And a big thank you to Cavit for making large bottles of wine at a competitive price.
Ted and MPS: Cavit, gotta have it!
Ted: They were our first sponsor, they’ve been our biggest supporter. Thanks to everyone at Cavit for pouring so much money into this podcast. I love New York!
MPS: So do I!
--I’m Robert DeNiro--
Ted: Nor was I Penny...in the Penny Marshall drama “Awakenings” released in 1990 to mixed reviews.
Hallie: Now why do you think you’d know all this information if you weren’t Robert DeNiro?
Hallie: This gets me so...I’m fine. I’m gonna be fine.
Hallie: (Laughing) To analyze this and analyze that...do you know what you just said?
Ted: This one might be a little bit.
Hallie: How much would you say I insulted you?
Ted: I’d say you insulted me a little bit.
*Gillian and Hallie laugh
Ted: Was that way off?
Gillian: No. We’re supposed to laugh.
Ted: Oh. Oh. Sorry.
Hallie: Do you know where you are? Shit. Do you know who you are? Sorry.
MPS: I’m fuckin’ Joe Pesci! What am I, a mirage?
Ted: Huh. What a thing. I’m fuckin’ Robert DeNiro. I was in “Backdraft.”
MPS: I came outta fuckin’ retirement for you, you motherfucker.
--Scenes For A Visual Medium: Monsters--
MPS: Wow, she’s really going after that Pulitzer isn’t she?
Ted: This is like when she did that Cheney interview all over again. It’s just…
MPS: Nobody else could do it but her…
Ted: Nope. Nobody else could do it. She’s gotta do it all by herself…
Ted: Yes, Janet. I can hear you.
Ted: Still with this. We’re at commercial, Janet. Ned’s in the can.
Alison: Oh you’ve got to be kidding.
--‘You Broke Something’ Fraud Kit--
Gillian: This is like Betty Draper level cruel.
MPS: It is. So Betty Draper.
--‘You Broke Something’ Fraud Kit--
Ted: For just six easy payments of $19.99 your sons or daughters will be the ones crying into their pillows racked with a guilt they never imagined possible.
Ted: I wasn’t running, you pushed me. I wasn’t. I was trying to get away because you pushed me.
MPS: (Interrupting) You...you…
Ted: You can’t just push people, Ken. Kenny, you can’t just push people.
MPS: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to tag you and I tagged you hard.
Ted: Mom’s angry.
Gillian: Please go to bed, I just wanna cry.
Gillian: How could I raise kids that hate me so much that they destroy my memories?
Gillian: I can’t replace this broken train. And I can’t fix the hole that you two ungrateful boys just made in my heart!
Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast, guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use firstname.lastname@example.org. Visit for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.