Season Two: Episode Nine
Don Draper from the 90’s has another pitch.
Ted and Michael analyze another classic Wall Street Journal cartoon.
A lady tries to plan a trip to the movies with her professional athlete boyfriend.
A grade school bully has additional talents.
MPS: Hey guys, welcome to episode nine of season two of…
Ted: Not so loud. Not so loud.
Ted: You’re shouting.
MPS: Welcome to episode nine of season two of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” I’m Michael Paul Smith.
Ted: I was once Ted O’Gorman.
MPS: And, uh…
Ted: Oh God, my mouth is like chalk, dude.
MPS: Yeah we’re a little worse for the wear today. Is it worse for the wear or worse for wear?
Ted: I don’t care how you say it. I don’t care.
MPS: We’re...worse for wear…? Nah, that doesn’t sound right either. Gillian, can you intro this first sketch for us?
“90’s Draper 2”
V.O: And now another installment of Don Draper pitches from the ‘90’s.
Don: Picture this. A frazzled little man. A veritable Beavis. The kind of man that’s jittery watching the sun rise. He’s gaunt, pale. Not exactly “sponge-worthy.” He’s in a large well-furnished apartment that may just as well be his parents’ basement. It’s enormous. We pan quickly to see that there’s statues and busts all over, and also books, papers, paintings on the wall... But at first all we get is the general overview. He’s slowly finishing up crafting an enormous pb and j, with all the care of Dr. John Carter in emergency room surgery. Oh, and he’s doing one other thing. He’s listening to the radio.
The dj is just starting to explain what their million dollar trivia question of the day is. But before the question is heard, giving in to his unbridled avarice, our frazzled protagonist attacks the sandwich with all the fury of Randy Quaid attacking those aliens.
The dj reveals the million dollar question. “Name the man who shot Alexander Hamilton in that famous duel.” Then we get a closer look at one of the pictures on the wall. It’s not a picture at all. It’s a framed object with a plaque. The plaque reads simply, “the bullet.” Then we see that everything: the pictures, the maps, the busts: they’re all about Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. And that fateful day in Weehawken. The question has been posed. But the foremost expert on this event cannot fulfill his own destiny. Because there’s nothing to wash down that sandwich: no ecto cooler, no Sunny Ds, no Jolt Cola… nothing. Our sad protagonist tries desperately to get it out, then simply whimpers as the dj hangs up on him.
Now, I don't need to charge you for a research report that tells you that most television sets are not more than six feet away from the coffee table. Or that breakfasts and lunches are eaten more often at the coffee table than in the dining room.
And that coffee table is your battlefield and your prize.
Dad likes Steely Dan, son likes The Spin Doctors.
The TV's always on, Jerry Springer playing in the background.
Daytime talk wins every day.
And you're thirsty.
And not just for Crystal Pepsi.
What if there was another drink where everybody gets what they want when they want it? It's as white as a Ford Bronco, and as smooth as Jason Priestley. And it’s already in the fridge. Or is it?
There may be chaos at home but there's no home at all, without milk.
Exec: That’s beautiful.
Don: That's nice to hear. Because that's the tagline.
Roger: We’re thrilled to get this one on the first try!
Exec: As are we, gentlemen. Or as the French say...Asawee.
Roger: Shall we adjourn to the All Star Cafe? And then we have front row tickets to Jekyll and Hyde.
Exec: Sounds like this is...the moment!
*Roger, Don, and Exec laugh
Exec: Lead on, gentlemen.
“Wall Street Journal Cartoons Described 3”
V.O: And now Ted and Michael present: Wall Street Journal Cartoons Described.
MPS: So last season, we did a cartoon from the 50’s and from the 60’s. I thought we’d kick this edition of Wall Street Journal Cartoons Described off with one...from the 70’s. I’m looking at two men, evidently in the lobby of an office building.
MPS: They’re standing...there’s no other way to say this. They’re standing crotch to crotch.
Ted: Ok. Let me ask you this. Are they wearing suits and ties?
MPS: Yes. One man appears to be wearing an ascot, but you can be the judge of that. This might be the “mushroom cloud” controversy of this season.
MPS: It’s either a tie, or an ascot with like a paisley, swirly pattern from what you can see of it.
Ted: Do either of these guys have a briefcase with them?
MPS: Yes. One man has a briefcase but it doesn’t have a handle. So maybe that reflects a little bit of his status. His hand is underneath it. It’s like one of those…
Ted: It’s an attache case.
MPS: Is that what that is?
MPS: I’ll take your word for it. But they’re standing crotch to crotch, and look very comfortable doing so.
Ted: And you’re sure that it’s an office and not like a high-end, Don Draper-esque apartment building?
MPS: No, because of-well, the attache case is there.
Ted: Well he could be coming home from work I guess is my point.
MPS: Yeah, I don’t think so because there is a third character.
Ted: Oh, now we’re getting to the meat of this sandwich.
MPS: But the two men look like they can be related. One of them has sharp noses, one of them sharper than the other. One of them’s bald, with hair around back, Larry David style. And one guy has a flat top, filled-in Johnny Unitas a little bit, situation.
MPS: But they’re looking at a third person. And it’s a woman. And she’s entering from the glass wall. Presumably from the revolving door.
MPS: She has a briefcase...and a handle.
Ted: Oh, alright.
MPS: She’s wearing business attire, high heels…
Ted: As Kelly Kapoor would say, “the business bitch.”
MPS: The business bitch, the shopping bitch, the etiquette bitch. Yes. And she has her sunglasses in her hair, so like she nestled them in her hair. They’re not on her eyes.
MPS: And she has this look, I don’t know if I...I’m gonna do it for you, and-maybe you can describe it.
MPS: This’ll be interesting. Maybe you can describe something for a change.
Ted: This’ll be a first.
MPS: Ok. So this is what she’s doing...how would you describe that?
Ted: The look is kind of “nose in the air,” “I’m better than conversating with you at all.”
MPS: Yes! Nose, chin up. Eyes are closed. So she’s just like, she doesn’t have time for it.
Ted: Now that to me tells me that this is indeed an office, and that she’s probably their boss.
MPS: Ted, this is a first because you guessed right.
Ted: Oh. Alright, good.
MPS: The caption is...I don’t know which of the two crotch-to-crotch men are saying it, but the caption is, “Look sharp. Here comes the old man.”
Ted: Ahh, I see.
MPS: And she’s not even old! But the idea is that she has supplanted the 90 year old founder. And they’re scared of her, and they wanna be at attention.
MPS: When she walks in.
Ted: Breaking through that glass ceiling by coming through the glass wall.
MPS: Exactly. She doesn’t have those shoulder pads yet.
Ted: That was more the ‘80’s.
MPS: That was the 80’s. This is just...frankly, she’s a pretty happenin’ looking gal. You wanna see?
Ted: Yeah. Let’s do the reveal.
MPS: I’ll just hand this over to you. Those Macbook Airs are really light.
Ted: Yes they are.
MPS: Gillian wants to see, too.
Ted: Here comes the old man. Yup.
Gillian: Very good impression of her face.
MPS: Thank you. I feel like I make that face sometimes when I’m feeling hoity toity. Gillian, how would you describe her top? Because it almost…
Ted and Gillian: It’s a blouse.
MPS: It looks like a sweater almost to me.
Gillian: It’s a blouse. It’s got a Peter Pan neckline in case anyone understands or knows what that means.
Ted and MPS: Nope, not at all, etc.
MPS: Ted how would you describe the tie? Is it an ascot or is it a tie?
Ted: I’d say it’s a poorly tied tie.
MPS: With some kind of design on it.
Ted: Yeah, it’s probably paisley.
Ted: And the guy’s got a vest on. I do think that’s an attache case.
MPS: And she’s got the more stylish briefcase, which also indicates…
Ted: She’s got the more stylish briefcase. I’ll also say this: A) The guys are crotch-to-crotch, you’re right. And both leaning into it in kind of a crotch-forward way.
MPS: Those are, they’re kinda like, schlubs.
Ted: That’s actually what I was gonna comment on. They’re actually overweight and older than her.
MPS: Yeah so she jumped them.
MPS: In the hierarchy.
Ted: She’s probably one of those college graduate women with a business degree, where these guys have just been playing golf every Friday for their whole careers.
MPS: Mmhmm. Well, thank you Ted. It was a pleasure sharing this 1970’s Wall Street Journal cartoon with you.
Ted: The pleasure was all mine, my friend.
MPS: I’ll see you in the ‘80’s, my friend. Get yourself a blazer...
Ted: Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.
MPS: Get yourself a blazer and push those sleeves up!
Ted: Will do. And it’ll be teal.
Gillian: This has been Ted and Michael present: Wall Street Journal Cartoons Described.
MPS: So you guys remember that professional athlete boyfriend who showed up a couple weeks ago? He’s back. Here’s another one. Ted’s asleep. And his shirt is off. I don’t remember him taking it off at all. I don’t even know where it is. I swear he hasn’t left the room. This is weird. Why am I recording all this? Are you guys still listening? Is anyone out there at all!?
“Pro Athlete Boyfriend 2”
Girlfriend: Hey, what do you think of seeing that new Reese Witherspoon movie tonight?
Athlete: Well, Reese Witherspoon is a major box office draw, no question about it. Her transition from angelic teen victim to leading lady was pretty seamless, so you gotta give credit to her whole team. They, uh...they planned a heck of a career and they executed their plan really well. It’s, uh...it’s hard to compete at the box office with a solid leading lady who generally chooses her projects so well.
Girlfriend: You don’t sound too excited about it.
Athlete: Well yeah, it’s...obviously it’s tough news to take. When you drop hints about the new Jason Statham movie for weeks, and then certain people make up their mind, it’s obviously not gonna happen. You just know it. It’s a...it’s a tough loss. But at the end of the day we have to move on and focus on the next one. There’s no sense playing the blame game, we’re not about that. We want to be a productive team, we’ll make adjustments and hopefully we can come out on top next time. We got a lotta dates. Lotta dates to go.
Girlfriend: You know, you might like the new Reese Witherspoon movie.
Athlete: Well, you know, look at the film. It’s all there. From “Cruel Intentions” on, her work tends not to be suited towards my demographic. It’s nothing against her, it’s just... Either way, it’ll just be one of those movies. You gotta forget about it, you gotta move on. It’s important to have a short memory, cause we got another one coming up. Just gotta be stronger with my hints, fix what I gotta fix, and stay sharp. Communication is key, and that’s what I’m going to say is the big takeaway from this, so we’ll have that on our minds going forward. At the end of the day you miss a hundred percent of the movies you don’t buy tickets for, so effort is key here too.
Girlfriend: Wanna just stay in and binge “Big Little Lies”? I’ve been dying for you to see it.
Athlete: You know, I’m not gonna comment on that now. I’m not gonna speculate.
Girlfriend: Is that a yes…?
*He turns on the shower
Girlfriend: Why do you always go right to the shower after we have a conversation like this? And don’t you dare rat-tail me with a towel this time. I mean in. Why do you shower with your flip flops on? That’s really insulting, actually.
V.O: This has been a professional athlete...boyfriend.
“The Singing Bully”
V.O: And now we present--1 minute with Carter Fredericksburg...the singing bully.
*Sounds of 4 kids playing basketball
Boy 1: Over here! Harry! Over here!
Boy 2: Pass it back!
*Boy 2 shoots and it clangs off the rim.
Boy 1: I’ll get it!
Boy 2: (To himself) Oh no. (To Boy 1 ) Hurry, Harry! It’s rolling towards…
Boy 1: (Interrupting) I already said I’d get…Oh. Uhhhh…
Carter: Looking for this?
Boy 1: Yes, Car...uh...Mr. Fredericksburg. Sir.
Carter: Whose ball is this?
Boy 2: Uh, mine.
Carter: Well, now it’s the school’s roof ball. What do you say we seal this deal with a song?
Boy 1 and Boy 2: Oh no!
Carter: (Singing while punching) Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say good-bye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Carter: You’re welcome.
*Boy 1 starts tentatively clapping
Boy 2: (To boy 1) Shhh. Don’t do that.
Carter: Ooooh. As I put my hands behind my ears as if I were listening to a crowd, do I hear somebody requesting an encore?
Boy 1: What!? No! I thought I was being polite. I thought you were suggesting that we clap by saying, “You’re welcome”!
Carter: (Singing while punching) If You’re Going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair. And if you’re going to San Francisco, you’re going to meet some gentle people there.
V.O: This has been--1 minute with Carter Fredericksburg...the singing bully.
MPS: That was episode 9, guys. Thanks for bearing with us. Ted had some Gatorade. Feelin’ a little better.
Ted: The second...the second throw up turned the corner for me.
MPS: Ok.I’d like to dedicate this episode to one of my favorite things about Ted—his encyclopedic knowledge of obscure boxing history. It’s great at parties, and sort of gruesomely...fascinating?
Ted: Well that works out well, Mike. Cause I’d like to dedicate this episode to Jack Dempsey who in 1919 bested Jess Willard to become the next heavyweight champion of the world. Knocking Willard down a record seven times in the first round, and Willard wasn’t able to answer the bell for the third, making Jack Dempsey at 50 pounds and 5 inches lighter than Jess Willard, the next heavyweight champion of the world.
MPS: I have to say this, cause it’s actually true. My great-grandfather followed him around. Jack Dempsey. Not creepily. He was like a gambler. He like followed him on the circuit of fighting, whatever the hell it was.
Ted: Tex Rickard was his promoter.
MPS: There ya go.
Ted: That was all true.
MPS: I hope he bet on him. Cause Jack Dempsey was pretty fuckin’ good.
Ted: Well, until he met Gene Tunney and his science of boxing, and that’s when he lost “The Battle of the Long Count.” Tunney only lost one other fight in his career, I’m sorry-one fight in his career. And that was to Harry Gribb “The Pittsburgh Windmill.”
MPS: So why is that name less well known than Jack Dempsey?
Ted: Gene Tunney was more of a scientific fighter. Didn’t have the knockout power or the draw.
MPS: He enjoyed people. He opened a bar. I think it’s still open. Isn’t it?
Ted: Jack Dempseys?
Ted: Oh, no.
MPS: It was open for a long time.
Ted: It was open for a long time.
Hallie: The bar...Jack Dempsey’s bar is still around.
Ted: Yeah, no longer affiliated with his family, though.
MPS: Well I hope they got a hefty sum for it.
Ted: Also, he’s got a fish named after him. The Jack Dempsey fish.
Gillian: Also, none of this is being read. And, uh…
MPS: You just got Ted’d.
“The Singing Bully”
Mike OG: (Sings “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” while punching)
Mike OG: (Sings “I’m A Believer” while punching)
Mike OG: (Sings “Fly Me To The Moon” while punching)
Mike OG: (Sings “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’” while punching)
Mike OG: (Sings “Don’t You Forget About Me” while punching)
Mike OG: (Sings “Tweedle-dee-dee” while punching)
Mike OG: (Sings “How Am I Supposed To Love Without You” while punching)
Mike OG: (Sings “Time of My Life” while punching)
Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast, guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use firstname.lastname@example.org. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.
Cast and Credits
“90’s Draper 2”
Draper, Exec: Mike O’Gorman
Roger: Ted O’Gorman
“Wall Street Journal Cartoons Described 3”
Ted O’Gorman, Michael Paul Smith
“Pro Athlete Boyfriend 2”
Athlete: Michael Paul Smith
Girlfriend: Gillian Pensavalle
“The Singing Bully”
Victims: Ted O’Gorman, Michael Paul Smith
Bully: Mike O’Gorman