Season Two: Episode Eleven
Ted and Michael set up a “Fish Track.”
Lieutenant Columbo takes an improv class.
Three friends enter a jazz haunted house.
A new product scares sexual harassers.
Hogwarts Canada has a new commercial!
MPS: Hey guys, welcome to Episode 11 of season 2 of Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.
Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.
MPS: And we’re gonna start with a sketch that takes place in Anytown U.S.A.
Ted: Nope. It takes place in your apartment.
MPS: Well it’s…
Ted: In New York City. That’s where you live.
MPS: The time...it could sort of be a nebulous timeframe.
Ted: No, it’s very modern...I mean, have you listened to what we’ve recorded?
MPS: Would you call it present day?
Ted: Yeah, I’d call it present day.
MPS: Well, we’re playing versions of ourselves. Enjoy.
Geeps: (On her phone) No. I mean it's fine. He’s still got eight other toes. Bottom line, if you don’t want toes cut off, don’t play cleaver-toss-can-you-dodge?. It’s not a complicated game, but it does have its risks. If Jeremy was still alive he could tell you that. Oh, hey, can I call you back? I’m just at my door. Ok. Bye.
*Gillian opens the front door
MPS: Woooooooo! You can ask for rain but that doesn’t mean the flowers are getting watered! Pay up you sons of bitches! Papa needs to see some green!
Geeps: What the hell is going on? Ted, Ted? What the hell is happening? Why are you holding a mop?
Ted: Hi Gillian. I have to clean up a spill.
GPS: Oh, that’s...
Ted: Yeah, someone spilled their vomit in the bedroom.
Geeps: Ted what happened to my apartment?
Ted: Thats a good question. Mike installed a fish track and these korean guys showed up to bet on the fish races. And then Mike slapped me in the face and told me I was on mop duty. So here we are.
Geeps: What is a fish track?
Ted: Oh, it's a racetrack for fish.
Geeps: Oh, ok. I guess that’s on me. I should’ve guessed that. But who would want to watch fish race?
Ted: These Koreans really love it. And Mike is doing well. He’s up 17 million Won. That's the South Korean currency. Mike is up by like 1500 bucks. That guy over in the corner with the glass eye, smoking a pipe is Tran. He’s taking bets. You see the way it works is, we push the fish to the starting line, here. Then we fill the far side with fish food, and we use this barrier here to make it so that the only way they can get the food is to swim forward. Would you like a racing sheet? Let me get you a…(Ted shouts in Korean)
Geeps: (Interrupting) No, I’m...Ted, do you speak Korean?!
Ted: Yeah, I must have picked it up. You know, Queens is the most diverse borough. Anyway. Check out these names. They’re adorable.
Geeps: (Reading) Pup parade, Otterly ridiculous, Pete’s treats. Ok, these names are pretty cute, actually.
MPS: Hey schmoopie. I’m up 1500 bones once we exchange back.
Geeps: Yeah, I know. Ted told me. How long ‘til the next race?
MPS: Just a minute. Are you in?
Geeps: (To herself) Fuck. (To MPS) Yeah, let me get 1000 Won on Alfie Pants for the win.
MPS: He’s 10-1 against. Could be a nice windfall for you. Ted, did you get all that?
Ted: Sure did. (Ted shouts in Korean) You guys are golden.
*A gun goes off
Ted: Guys! What did we say? You were to leave your firearms in the cubby hole, by the door! When you leave, give me your ticket, and you get your firearm back. Jesus! And don’t give me that “I didn’t see the sign.” It’s written in Korean and English, so I don’t wanna hear any of that bullshit. Tran. I’m fuckin’ looking at you, man.
*They go back to shouting.
Ted: It’s Alfie Pants by a nose!
Geeps: Alright! Someone get me a smoke, we’re goin’ again!
*MPS slaps Ted*
MPS: (To Ted) Clean up that goddamn spill! And patch that bullethole in the ceiling!
Ted: Sure thing, bud!
“Columbo Takes an Improv Class”
V.O: And now we present Lieutenant Columbo taking an improv class.
Teacher: Ok, let’s get Julianne, and...sir what’s your first name again?
Columbo: Oh, I don’t have one, miss. You can just call me lieutenant.
Teacher: Ok lieutenant. Can you please put your cigar out before we proceed, lieutenant?
Columbo: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. I...obviously I didn’t see an ashtray in here. But I figured, you’re not serving food, why wouldn’t you…that is my mistake. I will dispose. I will put this out. Let me just find a napkin or a handkerchief in my pocket here.
Teacher: Yeah maybe not something that can’t be lit on fire. Right. Just focusing. So you and Julianne are gonna do a two person scene…
Columbo: Hi Julianne, I’m lieutenant Columbo.
Teacher: And I’m gonna keep changing the style that you do it in. So for starters, let’s just get a conflict. These two people are arguing over something. What’s it gonna be? Let’s hear some of those suggestions.
Classmate: What to name the cat!
Classmate 2: Where to go to dinner! Who should do the dishes!
Teacher: Perfect. You two are arguing over where to go to dinner, and go!
Julianne: Honey, I’m feeling Chinese for dinner tonight. Doesn’t that sound good?
Columbo: Well I’m just...you know, we just got here. Maybe we discuss this after the class. You know, at least for the next hour, it’s whatever the kid wants to do. This teacher. She seems nice. But she’s a kid to me. So are all ‘a you’s, by the way. You’re all kids. So maybe after we go have some Chinese.
Teacher: Ok I’m just going to interrupt here for a minute. Lieutenant, the scene has started. So...
Columbo: Oh, that’s my mistake. Well, nobody told me. Well maybe they did, I don’t hear too good these days. My wife is always nagging me to clean my ears out with these drops, but I can’t sit still for that long.
Teacher: Ok yeah. Lets just try again. And when Julianne speaks, the scene has begun. So Julianne, take your first line again.
Julianne: I’m feeling Chinese for dinner.
Columbo: No, no thank you.
Julianne: What do you mean?
Columbo: Well I don’t mean to be difficult. But I had Chinese leftovers this morning before I came to work. My wife, sometimes she likes to sleep in.
Julianne: Jesus Christ.
Teacher: Ok, lieutenant. You can’t do that.
Columbo: Well I know it’s not the best thing for you, you understand. I make a good omelette actually, believe it or not. I overslept a little myself today.
Teacher: No, I mean you can’t just shut down a scene like that. You have to take her suggestion and say “yes, and…”
Columbo: I’m sorry.
Julianne: It’s ok.
Columbo: I can’t do that.
Teacher: Why not?
Columbo: This is what bothered me. Because every day before class Julianne thumbs her way through a well creased copy of “New to Gluten Free.” Now as everyone knows Chinese food is based around a lot of noodle dishes. But let’s say she forgoes a noodle dish and goes with say a beef and broccoli over rice for instance. And I’m just “for instancing” here for my own edification. Sounds safe maybe. Right? But what’s another gluten-containing ingredient that is included in many Chinese dishes? Julianne?
Julianne: Soy sauce?
Columbo: That’s right. Most Chinese restaurants believe it or not, don’t use soy sauce derived from non-gluten containing ingredients, do they?
Teacher: Ok, but this is a scene--
Columbo: Now, how do you know that the Chinese restaurant we might go to can guarantee no-risk of cross contamination between your gluten free meal and any other meals with gluten containing ingredients? It would have to be a dedicated gluten-free Chinese restaurant. I don’t know too many of those. Do you miss?
Teacher: But what if the book wasn’t her’s?
Julianne: Yeah! What if it wasn’t!
Columbo: Well forgive my frankess. And I, I don’t know. My wife says I’m insane. But I notice these things. I’d say 10-20 pounds since these classes started just a few weeks ago. Pardon me for saying so but you look wonderful. I only saw you coming in with a sandwich once. You were really enjoying it. Finishing the last bites as you walked into class. You didn’t participate much that week, did you dear? You were nowhere to be found, even when we played your favorite game. The, uh...whaddaya call it...when one person says the other one’s thoughts...
Teacher: It’s called thought dubbing.
Columbo: The thought dubbs. Yeah. That’s right. Do you remember why? It’s because you spent the entire class in the ladies’ room. The very next week, you came into class with that book.
Teacher: That doesn’t prove anything, lieutenant.
Columbo: You’re correct. You know, I hate when people make assumptions. I should be on my way. Perhaps my improvisational skills need some improvement.
*He starts to go
Columbo: Just one more thing before I leave. There’s something that’s been bothering me.
Teacher: What’s that?
Columbo: It drives me nuts when people read over my shoulder. Does that bother anyone else? Well as much as it bothers me I find myself doing it sometimes. I guess that makes me a hypocrite, I don’t know. But as much as I try not to, my eye sometimes wanders onto someone else’s book. Well last class I saw something handwritten on the first page of Julianne’s book. Julianne would you mind getting the book for us, dear? And can you read the note I was referring to?
Julianne: It says, “To my sweet Julianne, celiac disease is just another obstacle life has thrown your way. Chin up sweet girl! I hope this book helps navigate these new waters. Love Mom.”
Columbo: It’s ok. You don’t have to cry. You don’t have to cry. But now we all know why you’d never have picked a Chinese restaurant. I think I’ve made my point and I’ll be on my way. Thank you very much everyone. Enjoy your improv.
Teacher: What the fuck was that?!
Julianne: I thought if I was living in a world of pretend I could eat gluten.
Teacher: I know, Julianne. You can. Yes and you can. Yes we can do this. Can we have-Charles can you come up here and please go to a goddamned Chinese restaurant with Julianne. Look at the poor thing!
V.O: This has been Lieutenant Columbo taking an improv class.
“Jazz Haunted House”
V.O: And now we present: three minutes at a jazz-themed haunted house.
Barker: Step right up ladies and gentlemen. You better strap on your boots nice and tight, cause you’re about to be scared out of them! Come and walk through the haunted house of jazz! Marvel as the legendary musicians scare and confuse you! Five dollars, yes only five dollars for a once in a lifetime scare!
Friend 1: You guys want to do this? I have to check it out for my 20th century American culture class. This can bump me up a full letter grade.
Friend 2: I don’t know man, I’m pretty drunk and this seems pretty lame.
Friend 1: We’ll be in and out. The whole thing will only take a few minutes. Hell, I’ll pay for the tickets.
Friend 3: You had me at you’ll pay for the tickets. Let’s go.
Friend 1: (To Barker) Hi, can we have three tickets please?
Barker: Thank you kitty kat, and be wary of the ghosts and ghouls that inhabit these walls. Follow the yellow line on the floor and don’t swing from the path.
Friend 1: Thanks for doing this with me, guys. I really think this’ll be cool.
Friend 2: It’s gonna be lame. Let’s just go in.
Friend 3: The movie starts in 15. Let’s make it quick.
Echoey voice: HIDEY HIDEY HIDEY HOOOO!!!
*All 3 friends scream
Friend 2: Was that zombie Ella Fitzgerald?
Friend 3: This place is too weird!
Friend 2: Jesus Christ is that Benny Goodman in a dog crate with a knife through his heart?
Friend 3: That’s not a knife. That’s a clarinet. This is fucked up!
Friend 1: Is that a musician dressed as a werewolf eating another musician?!
Friend 2: That’s Charlie Parker! Not sure who his victim is. Could be almost anyone, quite frankly. He was...somethin’ else.
Friend 1: It’s true because he’s still wearing his sunglasses. Props, Bird. Props.
Friend 2: Guys hold up. Is this a paintball Tommy gun?
Friend 3: Oh, Jesus! It’s Rod Stewart trying to sing the Great American Songbook. Shoot him! shoot him! That’s what the, that’s what the thing is for!
Friend 2: I’m trying! It’s not working! It’s got no trigger!
Friend 1: Oh my God, this really IS like a horror movie. God, the gun doesn’t work! I mean, really on brand!
Friend 3: Just throw the gun and let’s keep moving!
Friend 2: Hey, we’re coming up on Billie Holiday.
Billie: I’m not Billie Holiday! I’m Billie Horror-day! I’ve got cirrhosis of the liver! Hope you enjoyed the walk through the haunted house of jazz!
Friend 2: Let’s get uh, skeedadlin’. See what I did there?
Friend 3: I hope you’re happy.
Friend 1: I am, actually.
“Bloody Severed Penis”
V.O.: Are you tired of being talked down to by men in the workplace? Do the fellas at the office make you feel like an outsider? Are you all too familiar with this scenario?
Man: Hey Krista, me and the fellas were hoping you could settle a bet for us.
Krista: Um, sure. What’s up?
Man: We’re just wondering if the carpet matches the curtains!
Man2: Hahaha! The fucking carpet is your pubes!
Krista: Yeah no guys, I get it.
Man: Pubes. Oh, classic.
Man2: High five!
Krista: Really funny.
Man: Big dog, at it again!
V.O.: Stop annoying and harassing conversations like this before they start with Bloodied Severed Penis. Just like it sounds, Bloodied Severed Penis is an anatomically correct silicone penis designed to look like you recently cut it off an offensive man. Our patented technology allows for up to 2 ounces of cinema quality fake blood to be stored in the shaft of the penis. When the penis is dropped casually on the floor, or slammed emphatically on a table, the fake blood will begin to leak out adding to the illusion that you cut off a man’s penis only moments ago. They come in all shapes, sizes, and yes, angles. So next time this happens:
Man: Hey Krista, me and the fellas were hoping you could settle a bet for us.
Krista: What?! What’s the bet you entitled son of a bitch? Is it about my TITS?
Man: Jesus Christ! Krista what the fuck is that on your desk?!
Krista: Oh that?! That’s just a bloodied severed penis that I just took off the last guy that pissed me off with his patriarchy! When I get home I’ll nail it to the wall alongside the rest. News flash, momma’s runnin’ outta wall space…
Man: Krista, I am so sorry. Please don’t cut my penis off and add it to your wall of dicks. I was being a jerk to impress the other guys. You wouldn’t even want my dick on your wall. It’s so insignificant.
Krista: I’m glad we have an understanding. Now go to the bathroom and clean yourself up. Your pants are covered in piss.
Man: Yes, Krist-- yes mam. Thank you.
V.O. Stop dicking around, and order your Bloodied Severed Penis available only at bloodiedseveredpenis.com. Available only in Florida.
“Hogwarts Canada 3”
O.G: Hey there! Have you had it up to here bein’ the last to know aboot cool goin’s` on in the world? Do you feel like life is passin’ you by one centimeter at a time? Well don’t worry aboot it, ‘bud`. Because Hogwarts is comin’ to Canada, eh. Here’s some testimonials, if you don’t believe me. Soarry if that sounded harsh, there. Soarry aboot that.
Mike Houston: At Hogwarts Canada I found out that my Patronus was a very apologetic member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Soary, that’s the Mounties for those of you not familiar with their official title. Soary again eh.
Wong: I enrolled in Hogwarts and now I know Alanis Morissette. The two are unrelated, but still it’s pretty cool. Now I’m no college professor, but I’d say that’s ironic, eh.
JJC: My favorite thing about Hogwarts? They still have ze Durex machines in the men’s room. L’mour!
OG: If you find the campus of Hogwarts Canada hard to navigate, we’ll provide you with your very own Marauder’s Map. But you probably won’t need one. After all, the dormitories are only 20 or so meters from the classrooms, depending on the shifting staircases and all. The room of requirement’s only 27 centimeters from the real janitor’s closet for P’s S! I mean, heck. You could barely get through a half a liter of Bull’s Head from door to door.
MPS: I was Chesterfield-hoppin with friends all around the Sixix. All I had in the world could fit inside a small serviette. Then one of those friends got me a winter job as a security guard at Hogwarts Canada, cause I’m known to be good in a kerfuffle. Apparently, the dementors are real snowbirds. But me? You give me a Took and a steady paycheck and I’ll give-er. I like to think I’m pretty skookum that way. So much so that they gave me the job year round. And free accomodations! That’s jokes!
OG: Here at Hogwarts Canada, we understand that the magical realm makes some people uncomfortable. But we believe in using our powers for good. We’ve even got a spell that sent Celine Dion to Las Vegas. She’s your problem now America.
I went to Hogwarts
And I got sorted
And I got sorted
And I got sorted
OG: Keeners always welcome!
MPS: So that was episode 11 you guys. It was really episode 23 if you start from the beginning. Total.
MPS: If you’re binging, thanks for doing so.
Ted: We have a lot of spare time on our hands to write things. We are not productive individuals in real society.
MPS: No. I’d like to dedicate this episode to Ted’s tools. Hey fellas, thanks for setting up every piece of Swedish furniture that Gillian and I have ever ordered. Ted helped. But you were the star.
Ted: The tools aren’t much, but they will do in a pinch.
GPS: That’s what she said.
Ted: Not cool, G.
MPS: Yeah, we’re trying to have a nice moment here. You know today is the anniversary of the first sketch that Ted and I ever...
GPS: Oh shut up!
Michael: Stay tuned for outtakes, all you beautiful people, as Ted and I are deeply deeply flawed. And we have a new episode coming out next week which just happens to be our season finale.
Ted: And Mike and I will launch ourselves into space.
MPS: If you count the internet as space, then yeah.
Ted: Well I’m not excited about the finale anymore. But you guys tune in. See what Mike has cooked up.
MPS: Well I’ll be there. And if you’re gonna mimic someone’s energy, people, mimic mine. See you then.
Ted: It is Alfie Pants by a nose!
MPS: I feel like I should’ve reacted with you guys.
Ted: Guy holds up...oh.
GPS: We have Ted reading the stage directions. Ted reading the stage directions.
—Jazz Haunted House—
MPS: Mike give us one like you’re trying to draw a crowd, and then let’s do another one and just have more fun with it. Talk over each other. Whatever happens happens.
GPS: Yeah. Ok.
Ted: Just...play jazz with it…?
MPS: That’s right.
GPS: I love that you did the jazz hands, even though it’s a podcast.
Mike Houston: That’s how I feel.
GPS: What? One more time.
GPS: Oh, I do actually want to get a picture with that zombie Thelonious Monk before we leave. Man, he’s really swingin’!
MPS: Make sure you put a tip in his…
GPS: Yeah totally.
Ted: Guys, hold up!
MPS: ...in his tweed jacket, there.
Ted: Dicks, shut up.
GPS: Ted, you’re number one.
Ted: Thanks. You’re number one in my book too, Geeps.
GPS: Hey. We’re rolling on all that, too.
MPS: Well, good.
—Bloodied Severed Penis—
Ted: Hey Krista, me and the boys were hoping you could settle a bet for us.
GPS: Sam Elliott.
MPS: A little Sam Elliott, yeah.
Ted: I was going for, uh…
GPS: Sam, I thought you were one of the nice ones.
MPS: Stop dicking around, and order your Bloodied Severed Penis available only at bloodiedseveredpenis.com. We should buy that domain.
Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast, guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use firstname.lastname@example.org. Visit for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.