Season One: Episode Twelve

Ted, Michael, and friends present more things you should never, ever say on a first date… or probably ever. 

Steve Zahn plays the classic Nintendo game Punch Out. 

The “Hogwarts Boston” campus is amidst an advertising blitz, with a new commercial. 

There’s a new “fraud kit” for people who want to pretend to be pregnant, or just want the attention. 

Another marriage comes to an end at the hands of unabated karaoke.

00:00 / 01:04

Episode Transcript

Michael: You guys. Thank you for listening to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.


Ted: I’m uh...Ted O’Gorman.


Michael: Ted and I are celebrating…


Ted: Mike.


Michael: Yes?


Ted: I can’t believe it’s...week twelve. And...this has been a pleasure, man.


Michael: Well thanks.


Ted: I can’t believe we’re never gonna see each other again after this.


Michael: Oh, is that the plan?


Ted: Well I mean, we’re done. What else is there to do? We’re on Episode 12.


Michael: Well, I appreciate you wearing your tuxedo for this, or gala season finale.


Ted: (Interrupting. And crying) Well I guess I’m the only one that dressed up.


Michael: What do you think I’m wearing?


Ted: Mike, you’re in your boxer shorts.


Michael: That’s not true. Well stop playing with the emotions of our listeners.


Ted: Ok.


Michael: Ted’s having a little trouble ladies and gentlemen. No big deal. But this is definitely our Season 1 finale. And we hope you enjoy it.


---


“Things You Should Never Ever Say On A First Date (Or Probably Ever) 3”


V.O: And now we present more things you should never ever say on a first date. Or probably ever.


Person 1: I’ve never been convicted of anything I’ve been accused of. Just thought you’d like to know.


Person 2: More than anything else I like to cuddle. And when we’re cuddling I like to think about how I want to tell Kristen how I really feel about her. But I can’t until my father the Rev. dies.


Person 3: My mother and I still kiss on the lips.


Person 4: Sometimes I put on black face when no one’s home. It makes me feel bad. I don’t know why I do it.


Person 5: The Branch Davidians got nothing on me!


Person 1: I sometimes wonder aloud about what children would look like if they were turned inside out. Oops, guess I just did it again.


Person 2: You remember the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan, when the doors on the landing craft come down and the soldiers all get blown to shit and there’s just blood everywhere? That’s days 1-3 and then day 5 of my period.


Person 3: I live inside a water tower. It’s drained.


Person 5: Did you see that car wreck outside. So hot.


Person 1: I've always been really turned on by overweight disorganized guys. Something about the thought of your clumsy fuselage crashing about the apartment gets me damp.


Person 5: I used to think I was a contortionist, but it turns out my collar bone just breaks really easily. Wanna see?


Person 4: Seriously, if you come home early from work, I may in fact be in black face. I have a bright blue suit, spats on my shoes, and a cane. I enjoy standing in front of my mirror and singing from the great American songbook. Just in black face. And I feel terrible!


Person 5: All I have to do is put my hand in between the chair and the table, and then just shift my body like so and...UHHHHH! Yeah. There it is. That is totally broken.


V.O: This has been more things you should never ever say on a first date. Or probably ever.


---


“Steve Zahn Punch Out”


Zahn: Hey everyone. This is Steve Zahn. You might remember me from a little movie called Reality Bites. I’ve done a lot of stuff since then. But for now, I’m just gonna play a little bit of the classic Nintendo game Punch Out. And I’m pretty far along!


Zahn: This Great Tiger’s pretty predictable ‘til he starts spinning around and multiplies himself by three. Oh! I just gotta...just gotta hit the down arrow when he comes around. I’m hittin’ it. I’m hittin’ it. I’m hittin’ it! Oh come one. Come on. Come on! Come on. COME ON! Come on! I hit it! OH COME ON. I hit...ugh. COME ON! Gah COME ON!! OHGAHGAHCOMEON!!! SHTEALASHUBUDUDUYA COME ON!!! Oh now I gotta go back, perfect.


---


“Boston Hogwarts 3”


OG: Are you tired of seeing your friends succeed in life while you're stuck in a rut? Are those red pants wearing Harvard cunts giving you a hard time? Check out the Hogwarts Technical school of witchcraft and wizardry at our new Massachusetts satellite campus. Oh, you'll enjoy the same magical education people have experienced at the original English campus, but you won’t have to venture outside of the greater Boston area, or experience one moment in a new culture. But don’t take my word for it. Just listen to these testimonials!


Gillian: When Hogwarts said they could no longer accept any more applicants to the North Umberland or Ronkonkoma New York campuses, I thought my dream had died. I was surprised to learn of their other satellite campus right here in the great city of Boston. Now I attend classes under the Deer Island Wastewater Treatment Plant in Boston Harbor. I swim to school everyday with a smile on my face. I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I’m growing gills of my very own, and I don’t even need Gillyweed!


Ted: I was down the Cape blowing lines of coke off the glass table in Holly Flanagan’s parlor. Turns out the fella that sold me the coke had switched it for spackle dust. Boy, was that a night I wanted to forget. Then somewhere along the line I found out about Hogwarts. So I'm here now.


Kelly: Sometimes I try to think about my life before Hogwarts. Then I remember, I didn’t really like the Sox, or that my brother would hang me upside down off the green monster with the hope that I’d get hit in the face by a screamer from Manny Ramirez. The day I got my owl was the day I vowed I was going to frame Manny for using steroids. Thank you Hogwarts!


OG: Hogwarts promises you that when you’re enrolled here, your security is paramount. Our private squad of dementors is supplemented by a whole bunch of middleweight boxers that are past their prime, but still pretty good.


Ted: My favorite thing about Hogwarts---they still have condom machines in the men’s room. You ever need a jimmy cap, there you are right in the fuckin’ men’s room.


Michael: MIT wasn't a great fit for me. They've got like a list of classes and shit you've got to complete before you can get paid for being smart. I said, fuck you, fuck you and fuck you. So now I'm working at Diagon Alley selling wands. It's a fucking living, ya know? Also I do a little drywall on Saturdays. Thanks Hogwarts!


OG: Hey Mrs Costigan! Hey Mrs Costigan! Mrs Costigan! Mrs Costigan! I heard they sent Tim up Sherley way for passing bad checks. Guess the apple really doesn't fall far from his whore mother! How am I doing? I'm at Hogwarts, you saggy bitch! (Realizes he’s filming) Oh. Enroll in Boston Hogwarts today. Enroll in Boston Hogwarts today. Act now and receive four free months of Spotify. Use your time turner and call five minutes ago, and receive free admission to the farmer’s market at Holy Cross. They got corn. Hogwarts. Get sorted for life.


Gillian: I went to Hogwarts. And I got sorted.


Luke: And I got sorted.


Ted: And I got sorted.


Gillian: Get sorted...


All: For life.


Kelly: Go fuck yourself.


OG: And for the last time, I don’t know who set fire to Mrs. O’Leary’s dog. Was it your son Mrs. Costigan? He’s no prize!


---


Michael: We’d like to end our first season with a very serious re-enactment for something that affects far too many relationships in the world today. More than you might realize.


---


“Karaoke Hedonism”


Wife: Where were you?


Husband: Christ. You scared me. I was working late.


Wife: Oh, were you?


Husband: Yeah…


Wife: Do you know what time it is...DON’T look at your phone.


Husband: Not really. Like I said, I was working.


Wife: Why the hell is your voice so hoarse?


Husband: I don’t know. I’m coming down with something, I guess.


Wife: You were at karaoke, weren’t you!?


Husband: So what if I was?!!


Wife: You son of a...BITCH!


*She throws a plate at him and misses. She throws more*


Husband: Yeah. That’s good. Break all our dishes if that’s what makes you feel big. But you’re gonna feel really bad later when you’re watching me CLEAN IT UP!!!


Wife: What does karaoke have that I don’t? I wanna know.


Husband: Everything! You never sing with me anymore! And you don’t even dim the lights when we talk! You threw out my strobe light, my zebra cushions. You don’t play a single guilty pleasure when you put music on. Should I continue!?


Wife: I feel like I married a stranger.


Husband: Well join the club. I didn’t know I married Reverend Shaw from Footloose!


Wife: That was about dancing!


Husband: It’s the same idea!


Wife: Well at least if you were out dancing, you wouldn’t come home this late, and this exhausted every night.


Husband: You’re generalizing.


Wife: You wouldn’t have your pockets filled with mini Post-It notes with five-digit numbers written on them.


Husband: Sorrrry!


Wife: You’re screwing up at work cause you take hour-long showers every morning…


Husband: They’re called rehearsals.


Wife: They are NOT. Needless to say you’re spending hours and hours at a bar...


Husband: I’m perfectly sober!


Wife: That’s even weirder! You know it’s a business…


Husband: (Interrupting) I tip on my ginger ales! I asked you to go with me. They all want to meet you.


Wife: Oh, how exciting. Then I can listen to simultaneous bachelorette parties request twelve wireless mics to all sing every line of “Summer Lovin’” with no regard for who’s playing which character. THEY’RE ALL SINGING BOTH PARTS!


Husband: That’s...really specific…


Wife: Did it happen tonight?


Husband: That’s...not…


Wife: YOU SEE?? I’m sure they were right next to the bridge-and-tunnel assholes getting alcohol poisoning just so they can summon the courage to take turns singing “Living On A Prayer” a few dozen times in a row.


Husband: Well that may be. But there’s also people like me. People who just need a creative outlet. People who can actually sing, or at least understand the words behind what they’re singing. People who delve deeper into the songbook app than you’ve ever done for me on your most generous night.


Wife: Oh, you bastard. My mother was right about you.


Husband: Those are the people I choose to spend my nights with. Sure the drunken bachelorettes are there, and the people who sleep on the floor of Penn Station and miss their trains home. But those people keep the place afloat for those of us who really get it. And I’d rather spend my nights with them--good and bad alike--than spend one more night with you. All you wanna do is cook for me, and bake for me, and plan vacations for us, and please me sexually. But will you sing the Audrey part of “Suddenly Seymour” with me? JUST ONCE?


Wife: Oh, you’re disgusting.


Husband: I didn’t think so.


Wife: I can’t do this anymore.


Husband: Oh, God. It’s happening, isn’t it.


Wife: Don’t act like this is being done to you. You did this to us. This isn’t the first time. It’s probably not even the 100th.


*Softly at first, Husband sincerely bursts into “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins and sings over her as Wife continues seamlessly.


Wife: (Spoken over his singing) But if you insist on a hobby that’s best suited for people stranded in foreign countries with no friends, then I don’t know what else I can say to you. I’ve taken up wine-tasting and ballroom dancing for you. I’ve become more emotionally available for you. But there’s always another hurdle. Always another stipulation. This is one too many for me, pal. It’s just repugnant. It’s unnatural. Good-bye, Leon. It’s been...it’s…


Husband and Wife: (Singing) So take a look at me now! There’s just an empty space. And there’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face. Take a good look at me now. There’s just an empty space. And you coming back to me is against all odds. Well that’s a chance I’ve gotta take.


Husband: You sounded good.


Wife: Thanks.


Husband: I’ll go pack some shit.


Wife: Ok.


V.O: Karaoke ruins as many marriages as it inspires. For the sake of your “Witchy Woman”, for the love of your “Lover Man”, let’s make this the…”Last Dance Tonight”...for karaoke-hedonism.


---


Michael: You guys. Thank you so much. This has been an amazing season.


Ted: Thank you guys sincerely from the bottom of our hearts for sticking with us through twelve episodes of this tomfoolery.


Michael: Ted, I’d like to dedicate this episode to Ted. Who dragged me to an acquaintance’s parents’ 4th of July party one year. I’d marry that acquaintance 4 years, 5 months, and 3 days later. So...MAJOR points for that one.


Ted: All part of my plan, Mike. All part of my plan.


Michael: Some kind of secret genius.


Ted: I’d like to dedicate this last episode to my amazing wife Hallie O’Gorman who has helped us out with recordings right here in your living room and also remotely from our apartment on her own microphone.


Michael: Yes.


Ted: She’s been busy with acupuncture school this year, but still found time to be a part of this. So thank you very much my dear.


Gillian: Wooh!


Michael: Wooh! You guys, one more time this season. Stay tuned for outtakes and our fancy outtro, voiced by Gillian Pensavalle herself. And you can hear me on her podcast every now and then. It’s called “The Hamilcast.” And you could find it @thehamilcast.


---


“Outtakes”


---Things You Should Never Ever Say On A First Date (Or Probably Ever) 3---


Kelly: Alright we’ll look it up later. It’s not that important. I’ll probably forget cause I’m wasted.


---


Hallie: I’ve always been turned...oh, sorry. I’ve always been (laughs). Alright.


---


Hallie: I live across the street from an elementary school. Sometimes I shoot the kids with a bb gun from my bedroom window. So that’s what I got goin’ on next Tuesday.


---


Hallie: The Branch Davidians got nothing on me! (Breaks character) Can I do that in a southern accent?


Ted: Yeah.


Hallie: The Branch Davidians got nothing on me.


---


Gillian: That’s days 1-3 and then day 5 of my period.


Ted: I like the way you speed that up at the end. That’s days 1-3 and then day 5 of my period.


Gillian: Yeah.


Ted: That’s obviously a line that was written by men.


Gillian: Yes. 100%.


Ted: No woman would ever talk like that.


Gillian: And also that’s not what happens. The longer it goes, the lighter it gets.


Ted: Yeah.


---


Michael: I enjoy standing in front of my mirror and singing from the great American songbook. Just in black face.


Ted: I can’t believe we have a callback in here!


Gillian: I know!


Ted: He’s trying to drive this point home.


Gillian: And she hasn’t left yet. She’s hearing him out.


Michael: She’s hearing him out. Maybe she’s into it.


---


---Boston Hogwarts 3---


Ted: Lemme know when you’re ready, brah.


---


Ted: Hey Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! It’s me Mickey. Remember when I took polaroids of your mother taking a shower and gave copies to the whole sixth grade class? Yeah your mother was responsible for a lot of twelve year olds with chaffed johnsons at St. Christopher’s. And that was before she stopped working out. Next time you’re at the cemetery, tell her I said thanks.


---


OG: Use your time turner and call five minutes ago, and receive free admission to the farmer’s market at Holy Cross. They got corn. Corn cob. Corn off the cob. They got canned corn. Any corn that you can imagine. We’re all gonna win here.


---


OG: They do not--I repeat, they do not--and I will not answer this again--they do not have corned beef.


---


---Karaoke Hedonism---


Hallie: Where were you?


Ted: (Directing) Where were you?


Hallie: Where were you?


Gillian: This is gonna be great in outtakes.


Hallie: Bobby Newport.


Ted and Gillian: Bobby Newport!


Gillian: Alright Jerry, now we’re just wasting time.


---


Ted: (Singing) You’re the only one who really knew me at all. How can you just let me (laughs). I’m watching Mike giggle over here.


Hallie: Don’t sing to Mike.


Michael: Yeah. I might have to leave.


---


Ted: You sounded good.


Hallie: I did, really?


Ted: Yeah you really...you really did.


Hallie: Thanks.


Ted: I’ll go pack some shit.


Hallie: Ok.


Michael: Bravo.


---


Michael: This is basically Chris Penn from Reservoir Dogs at the end when he goes “Why don’t you tell me what REALLY happened.


Hallie: Ok.


Ted: Stop pointing that gun at my dad, Larry!


Michael: Exactly!


Michael: Stop pointing that gun at my dad!


---


Ted: (Still as Chris Penn) You and I have done a lot of jobs together. And I respect you. But if you keep pointing that gun at my dad, I will gun you down. (As himself) Something to that effect.


Gillian: That was a little Columbo.


Ted: Was it a little Columbo? (As Columbo) I’m reading this script for Reservoir Dogs. I don’t understand this thing. I got a glass eye.


---


Hallie: You were at karaoke, weren’t you!?


Ted: So what if I was?!!


Hallie: You son of a...BITCH!


Ted: (As himself) You know what that is? It’s “GIMME BACK MY SON!” from “Ransom.” GIMME BACK MY SON!


Michael: Yeah, you have to have some kind of frame of reference.


Ted: Mel, thank you for that one. It’s better than your other tirades.


---


Hallie: You son of a...BITCH!


Michael: The cops are gonna knock on the door. I’m gonna really enjoy explaining to them.


---


Michael: Let’s try that again more defiant. It’s like you’re saying, “Yes, I like to wear adult diapers! It turns me on! Because you don’t!”


Hallie: Can you put that line in?


---


Michael: Good?


Gillian: Sounded great.


Michael: You guys feel good?


Ted and Hallie: Yeah.


Michael: Alright. That was fucking fantastic.


---


Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.


Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.

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