Season One: Episode Three
Werner Herzog continues to fawn over an uncomfortable Steve Zahn in their interview series.
Ted, Michael, and friends present more things you should never, ever say on a first date… or probably ever.
Donald Trump plays another round of the board game “Guess Who” against his favorite lackey: Stephen Miller.
Ted and Michael offer alternatives to food-related terms of endearment for your loved ones.
The NY satellite campus of Hogwarts releases another ad chock full of local testimonials.
Michael: Hello everyone! Welcome to episode three of Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.
Ted: I am Ted O’Gorman.
Michael: Ted, did you know that this episode has a theme?
Ted: It has a theme?
Michael: No, not really.
Ted: Oh, I was gonna say.
Michael: I guess the theme is entropy.
Michael: Just pure chaos.
Ted: I like it.
Michael: With that in mind, enjoy our first sketch.
“Werner and Zahn 2”
Werner: Hello and welcome back to “Werner Herzog interviews Steve Zahn.” With me as always, the incomparable Steve Zahn. Steve, say hello. Zahn: Hello, hello everyone.
Werner: My biggest regret in my filmmaking career is casting Steve against that talentless buffoon Christian Bale. That man is not fit to quench his thirst with the sweat from Steve Zahn’s testicles.
Zahn: (Interrupting) Werner I, uh...That was a fun movie to make. Christian was actually a real pleasure to work with.
Werner: I directed a film called “Rescue Dawn”, based on a documentary I also directed called “Little Dieter Needs to Fly”. The film should have been called Rescue Zahn, or more appropriately Zahn, Rescue Us from Christian Bale’s heavy handed and unsympathetic portrayal of an American P.O.W. If not for Steve’s presence on the set to calm my nerves, they’d still be picking pieces of Christian Bale out of a Thai jungle. I hate him with the fire of one thousand Zahns.
Zahn: That’s dark, man.
Werner: There are those that believe that the word for our nearest star, the earth’s sun, is actually a bastardisation of the name Zahn. It is believed he lights the world. I started both of these theories. When steve take on a film role he romances the script, he makes love with the score, he intoxifies the crew with his presence. The entire production is inseminated by Zahn. I sit here basking in your glow and I can’t help thinking about how it is possible to shave your own face in the morning when you are presented with your own glorious reflection.
Zahn: Thank you for...for that. I guess. Uh, thank you everyone. For listening.
Werner: This has been Werner Herzog interviews Steve Zahn. And I have been Werner Herzog.
“More Things You Should Never Ever Say On A First Date (or Probably Ever)”
V.O: And now we present “More Things You Should Never Ever Say On A First Date (or Probably Ever).”
Person One: Sometimes I get lost. Like really lost. Like once I was on my way to a friends and I ended up in Edmonton. So, yeah I mean I guess you could say I’m unconsciously adventurous.
Person Two: I like to play fast and loose. For instance I'm a trauma nurse and I never wash my hands.
Person Three: When my house caught fire as a child, I failed to save my sister. But she was kind of annoying sometimes. Waiter!
Person Four: Sometimes I just feel like burning it all to the ground and starting over in the flesh of a new me. You know, philosophically speaking. Or literally. I haven’t figured out which yet.
Person Five: Women’s rights? Ugh. Can’t you just trust us?
Person One: My idea of a good time, rifling through your possessions while you’re in the bathroom.
Person Two: Every time I go through customs I get detained for questioning. Beat that with a stick.
Person Five: Fallopian tubes have me like...whoa.
Person Three: I own an unsettling number of hatchets.
Person Two: Sometimes I feel blowey, and sometimes I feel bitey. Dance with the devil, am I right?
Person Four: The mere thought of the male sex organ makes me nauseous. My therapist said I should try dating to get over that. Oh no, now I’m thinking about it. Excuse me.
Person Two: Elvis died on the toilet. That’s the dream, isn’t it?
V.O: This has been “More Things You Should Never Ever Say On A First Date (or Probably Ever).”
“Trump Guess Who”
V.O: And now, Donald J. Trump and Stephen Miller playing another round of the board game “Guess Who.”
MILLER: Is your person a woman?
TRUMP: Yes. Ick. In the aftermath of a hurricane is your person looting?
MILLER: No. Is your person wearing a necklace?
TRUMP: No. In the aftermath of a hurricane is your person “gathering supplies”?
MILLER: Yes. Would you say your woman is a four?
TRUMP: At best. Is your person wearing a badge?
MILLER: He is! Is your woman dressed for golf?
TRUMP: Unfortunately, yes. Because obstructionist democrat policies won’t let us keep them off the course. Ok? Is your person Ryan...?
MILLER: No, but so close! Is your person Gloria?
TRUMP: No. Would I trust your guy, ok, with my money?
TRUMP: Ooh. Ok. Ah-ha!
MILLER: Is your person Kathleen?
TRUMP: Uh...No. Not at all. Never was. Ok? Is your person Saul?
MILLER: Darn, yes you win again!
TRUMP: Huge classy victories all the time. It’s constant. I can’t get away from it. Ok?
MILLER: Who was your woman, sir?
TRUMP: You know what Steve, don’t worry about it because I would have won by a lot more if this game wasn’t so rigged.
MILLER: You’re right, sir. I apologize.
V.O: This has been Donald Trump and Steven Miller, playing Guess Who.
Michael: Hey Ted?
Michael: You know what I could really do without?
Ted: What’s that?
Michael: Married people that call each other Honey.
Ted: Oooh, You know, I don’t like Muffin or Cupcake. I don’t like the food terms
Michael: We should come up with some replacement words for Honey.
Ted: Oh, I already have some on lock.
Michael: Oh. Let me hear.
Ted: I call Hallie antifreeze. Cause you can yell that at a party and she’s the only one whose head is gonna turn.
Ted: You yell Honey, you got six or seven women, maybe even a couple guys that are turning towards you, cause they’re used to being called Honey.
Michael: Mmhmm. What else?
Ted: Umm, Shake Weight is a good one.
Michael: “Shake Weight, I’m home!”
Ted: Yeah. “Shake Weight! I’m here! Hey Shake Weight, where’d you put the keys?”...Uh, Top Hat’s a good one. It’s like you’re calling them formal wear.
Michael: Very expensive. At a haberdasher.
Ted: Uh-huh. Gotta get that shit custom made.
Michael: Yeah, so you know they’re worth it.
Ted: Umm vichessersoir’s a good one. Again you’re not gonna get confused with someone else.
Michael: “Love you, vichessersoir. Thanks, vich.“
Ted: “You are my cold soup.”
Michael: That doesn’t sound good.
Ted: That doesn’t sound complimentary at all, now that I’ve said it. This is why I don’t like the food ones.
Michael: Unless it’s a hot day.
Ted: And then it’s “You are my refreshing cold soup.” Again long to say, though.
Michael: Too long. Too much effort.
Ted: Yeah. Too much. I’d rather go with honey, to be honest with you. And David Byrne is always a go-to for me.
Michael: Is Hallie a David Byrne fan?
Ted: No, but she has a talking head.
Ted: Heyy! We’ll be here all week, until you turn off this podcast.
--- Ted: So the first Hogwarts we did got a great response on Twitter. So this is the second installment of our Hogwarts regional commercial series.
Michael: Yeah, and you know, those for-profit colleges, they just blitz the airwaves with advertising anyway, so this just makes perfect sense.
“Hogwarts 2” OG: Is the workaday muggle life of gravity and physics getting you down? Are you tired of talking to snakes, but not hearing them talk back? Consider enrolling at Hogwarts Technical School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But don’t take it from me. Just listen to these testimonials from students at our Ronkonkoma, New York campus...
Ted: Before Hogwarts, I was a dairy farmer from Iowa. Now I milk dragons for emeralds. If only my mother was alive to see me. I’m squeezing dragon titties and getting paid loads of dough.
Gillian: I used to be a chimney sweep. Now I clean chimneys for wizard families. It’s pretty much the same job, but my centaur sightings have like doubled.
MPS: When I started at Hogwarts I was skeptical. Then a hippogriff bit part of my fuckin’ head off. Now I’m a believer.
MPS: Hogwarts not only taught me magic, it also taught me how to speak with this cool English accent.
Ted: My favorite thing about Hogwarts? They still sell condom machines in the men’s rooms.
OG: Hogwarts promises you that if you find the campus hard to navigate, we’ll provide you with your very own Marauder’s Map. Call in the next thirty minutes and get a free wizard hat. Use your time turner and call five minutes ago, and you can test drive any new car at Paul Conte’s Chevrolet in Freeport. We can’t send you an owl. You have to send one to us. Hogwarts. Get sorted for life.
Everyone: I went to Hogwarts and I got sorted. Get sorted for life.
--- Ted: Thank you so much for listening to our third episode, guys.
Michael: Thank you so much. Ted, I’d like to dedicate this episode to a girl in an improv class we were teaching. I have no idea what her name is, but we were all standing in a circle, playing a short form improv game. And you just stepped forward and did something, and stepped back, and she turned to Ted and said, “Everytime you go, someone dies.” Never was an observation more astute.
Ted: She wasn’t wrong.
Michael: Do you have a dedication?
Ted: I do. Here’s to cigarettes. Thanks cigarettes. Keep thinning that herd.
Michael: And someone just died. Perfect.
“Outtakes” ---Werner and Zahn---
Werner: I sit here basking in your glow Steve, and I can’t help thinking about how it is possible to shave your own face in the morning when you are presented with your glorious reflection. I would imagine you must ejaculate in your pants, just as I have of course.
Zahn: Werner that’s...that’s really intense.
---Trump Guess Who---
Stephen: Would you say your woman is...a four?
Trump: I mean, at best on a good day, maybe. Is your person wearing a badge?
--- Stephen: Would you say your woman is...a four?
Trump: In the morning probably not, but at best, yes she’s a four. Is your person wearing a badge?
--- Trump: No, would I trust your guy, ok, with my money?
Trump: Ah-ha! Yes.
--- Trump: No, would I trust your guy, ok, with my money?
Trump: Ooooh. Eureeka.
Michael: When I started at Hogwarts, I was skeptical. Then a Hippogrith (stutters)...shit.
--- Michael: When I started at Hogwarts, I was skeptical. Then a Hippogrith (stutters)...FUCK.
Michael: Hippogriff. That’ll actually help me.
--- Gillian: I used to be a chimney sweep. Now I clean chimneys for wizard families. It’s pretty much the same job, but my house elf sightings have like doubled.
Gillian: It’s pretty much the same job, but my animagus sightings have like doubled.
Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use firstname.lastname@example.org. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks. Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.