Season One: Episode One
Hogwarts goes the “Technical Institute” route with their new advertising blitz.
Werner Herzog fawns over Steve Zahn in an interview of sorts. Michael introduces Ted to a new world of celebrity characters in the video game “Smash Brothers.”
There’s a new dark cop show on HBO. But this time the criminals are never human.
Michael: Hey guys, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I am Michael Paul Smith.
Ted: I am Ted O’Gorman.
Michael: Thank you so much for listening to the very first episode of our very first season.
Ted: It’s about to get weird.
Michael: Ted, how are you feeling?
Ted: I’m feeling good. Are you a little bit nervous? You look nervous.
Michael: I’m a little nervous. We’re about to expose a little part of our brains that we usually keep hidden away to the general public.
Ted: So Mike can you tell us a little bit about the first sketch we have in the lineup here?
Michael: Yes. This first sketch is our take on what would happen if the most magical school in the world went very very regional and very very for profit.
OG: Is the workaday muggle life of gravity and physics getting you down? Are you tired of talking to snakes, but not hearing them talk back? Consider enrolling at Hogwarts Technical School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But don’t take it from me. Just listen to these testimonials from students at our Ronkonkoma, New York campus...
HROG: I used to be an electrician. That was a dead-end job. Thanks to Hogwarts, I’m a licensed broom maintenance technician.
MPS: With a baby on the way, and a dog, and my wife’s job not paying the bills, I went to Hogwarts. Now I make chocolate frogs. And we’re doing just fine.
Ted: I was a forward on a small market, regional lacrosse team. Money was tight and I was frustrated. But then I traded in my stick for a wand, and now I’m a goddamned seeker.
Nick: With three convictions for being a peeping tom, I had nowhere to go. At Hogwarts, I learned about invisibility cloaks.
OG: Hey Brian, hey Brian. Hey Bri, yo Bri. Tell your sister I said hello (waits for a response). Yeah fuck you. Fuck you!. (Realizes that he’s recording) Oh. Enroll in Hogwarts today. Act now and receive a free set of quidditch balls, and a pensieve. Call in the next thirty minutes and get a free wizard hat. Use your time turner and call five minutes ago, and you can test drive any new car at Paul Conte’s Chevrolet in Freeport. Hogwarts. Get sorted for life.
Everyone: I went to Hogwarts and I got sorted. Get sorted for life.
Ted: Everybody loves Hogwarts.
Michael: I sure do.
Ted: First sketch, I think, that hopefully went ok.
Ted: Now is where the wheels fall off the wagon. Because everyone has those regional commercials. Not everyone has this next sketch.
“Werner and Zahn”
Werner: Hello and welcome to the first and perhaps sole episode of Werner Herzog interviews Steve Zahn. I’m of course Werner Herzog, and with me...is Steve Zahn. Steve please say hello to our listeners.
Zahn: Hi everyone. Hi Werner. Thanks for having me.
Werner: The first time I glimpsed the man I would come to know as the Zahn, I was at a screening of “That Thing You Do”. I thought that Steve was a blonde god sent down from Mount Olympus to save us from Tom Hanks laughable direction.
Zahn: Tom Hanks is actually one of my dearest friends. I was really grateful for him to take a chance on me.
Werner: Steve was amazing in the film within the film as a member of the fictional band Cap’n Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters. I believed him more than my own mother on the day she told me she loved me.
Zahn: Well thank you, Werner.
Werner: I love you, Steve. Will you hold my hand while we tell the audience farewell?
Zahn: Oh. Ok. You’re...oh. You’re so clammy.
Werner: Yes it’s because you make me sweat when I see you Steve Zahn. You radiate a heat and energy.
Zahn: Ok. Bye everyone thanks for listening.
Werner: Please PLEASE don’t look away from me again. Don’t look away, Steve. Memorize my face so you can see me in your dreams.
Zahn: Werner, can you take your hand off my leg now please?
Werner: Yes Steve. But only because you asked so nicely.
Werner: This has been Werner Herzog interviews Steve Zahn. And I have been Werner Herzog.
“Celebrity Smash Bros.”
Michael: Oh man you’re killing it in Smash Bros.
Ted: Yeah I’ve unlocked all the characters. I’ve only had this game for a few weeks.
Michael: No you haven’t, man. You’re not even close.
Ted What do you mean?
Michael: You’re beating Luigi right now. You gotta beat him by knockout and then I’ll show you something. You’re playing as Yoshi, which is a good choice.
*Video game voice: Yoshi wins.
Michael: Nice. Alright, hand it over. I’ll show you.
*Video game voice: Challengers Approach.
Michael (cont): See? There’s a whole other range of characters that you can play as.
Ted: Is that Michael Caine?
Michael: That is Michael Caine.
Michael Caine (from the game): I’m Michael Caine.
Ted and Michael: It IS Michael Caine!
Michael: Now all you have to do is beat him as Yoshi, and then you can play as him forever.
Ted: He goes into my roster?
Michael: He goes into your roster.
Michael: Alright. So here, take it back.
**Video game voice: Three...two...one...GO!
Michael: Now take it to him! Be careful, he’s gonna…
Ted: He slides right outta the way.
Michael Caine: Oh, come on.
Michael: He’s very nimble. He’s got a jump kick...
Michael Caine: Come on now.
Ted: You know what? I think his weak point is his knees.
Michael Caine: And now we’re winning, and it feels great.
Michael: Yeah, give him a side kick. Well, Yoshi can spin his tail, right? Oh! There it is.
Ted: There we go.
Ted: It’s weird. He just slides out of the way of you hitting him and then...buttons his vest.
Michael: Yeah, that means he’s angry.
Michael Caine: You were only supposed to blow his bloody arms off! Oh come on.
Ted: And he throws his reading spectacles like a ninja star that comes back to him.
Michael: Yeah, you wanna duck.
Michael Caine: Please…
Michael: Alright, now try to eat him.
Michael Caine: I have to tell you...if this was backgammon, I’d be handing you your ass.
Michael: Oh man, it’s so close.
Ted: I gotta dodge, I gotta dodge.
Michael: Oh, watch it. Don’t fall off the board. Wait, you almost got...grab him.
Michael Caine: Please show me some mercy.
Ted and Michael: YEAH!
Michael: You got him!
*Video game voice: Game!
Michael Caine: I can’t believe I just lost. I was only sixteen points away! Congratulations. You’ve unlocked Michael Caine. I’m Michael Caine.
Michael: Welcome aboard, Michael Caine. Now let’s see who’s next.
*Video game voice: Challengers approach.
Cristoph Waltz: Cristoph Waltz.
Michael: Ooooh, Cristoph Waltz.
Ted: Cristoph Waltz. Wow.
Michael: Do you wanna keep playing as Yoshi?
Ted: No, I’m gonna switch it over to Captain Falcon.
Michael: Alright, cool.
*Video game voice: Three, two one, GO!
Michael: Yeah, the first thing he does is he tries to stun you with his gaze...those creepy, steely eyes.
Ted: Now he’s just sitting, eating spaetzle.
Michael: He offers you some too, don’t eat it.
Ted: I’m not gonna take anything from Cristoph Waltz.
Cristoph Waltz: Hiya.
Michael: Yeah, try to hit him.
Cristoph Waltz: Oh, come on. You can do better than that. Hiya.
Michael: Wow, he’s encouraging you to hit him.
Ted: This is weird.
Michael: Cool, grab the sword.
Cristoph Waltz: Of course you can beat me harder than that. Hiya.
Ted: Alright I got the...he’s being very supportive of me beating him.
Ted: I feel like this is a ruse of some sort.
Michael: It’s reverse psychology.
Cristoph Waltz: Hiya.
Ted: I have a sword and he’s fighting me with a bratwurst. This can’t be how an actual person would defend themself.
Cristoph Waltz: I feel like you are exponentially holding back. Give me the real stuff.
Michael: Don’t listen to him. Just keep swinging.
Cristoph Waltz: Hiya.
Michael: He’ll throw the bratwurst too, be careful.
Cristoph Waltz: Captain Falcon, what are you even a captain of?
Michael: Oh, good move.
Ted: Thanks. I think I hit the wrong button, actually. But it worked out.
Michael: It worked out well. That’s one of the beauties of Smash Brothers. Try to use the board in your favor, too. And you got him! That was easy.
*Video game voice: Game!
Ted: Alright that was not so bad. He kind of just let me have that.
Cristoph Waltz: Congratulations you have had the immediate pleasure of unlocking none other than Cristoph Waltz.
Michael: And now who’s up next?
*Video game voice: Challengers approach!
Michael: Oh, I can tell by the music!
Paul McCartney: Paul McCartney.
Ted: Sir Paul McCartney.
Michael: Paul McCartney.
Paul McCartney: Yippy Skippy!
Michael: Are you gonna stick with Captain Falcon?
Ted: No this is a Yoshi moment. I’m going back to Yoshi
Michael: Go back to Yoshi.
*Video game voice: Three, two, one, GO!
Michael: Alright so Paul can be deceptively hard. Be careful with him.
Michael: He’s so nice. But he’ll get ya.
Ted: Yeah. What is...what is his weapon? Is that...what is that guitar shaped like?
Paul McCartney: My bass guitar is shaped like a violin, ya know.
Ted: Oh wow that’s a...
Michael: Is he listening to us?
Ted: Yeah, are they listening? I just asked that.
Michael: Alright, spin your tail.
Paul McCartney: Oh, come on!
Michael: Good, now try to…
Ted: Oh, it feels bad to hit Paul McCartney though like this.
Michael: It really does.
Paul McCartney: Oh, Come on!
Michael: Be careful. He’s slipping you the...yup. Slipping you the jab.
Paul McCartney:Oooh! I’m winning!
Michael: Now try to eat him...yes! Now you can recharge a little bit.
Paul McCartney: Yoshi, you’re beating me now. And you turned me into an egg. Dobble-boo-bee-doo.
Ted: Why is so cloudy in this level? And what are all these ships doing here? It looks like we’re on a waterfront somewhere.
Michael: Oh, it’s actually Liverpool.
Paul McCartney: And now I’m losing. And it feels like Yoko.
Ted: This is early 1950’s Liverpool!?
Michael: Yeah. You see-they’re unloading crates of seafood in the background there.
Ted: Well that’s what makes this level so tough is trying to get around all these longshoremen.
Paul McCartney: Back in my day, you know, Liverpool was a port city mostly.
Michael: Oh there goes Paul talkin’ about it, see? That’s how you know he’s really hurt is when he gives you a geography lesson.
*Fighting sfx increase.*
Ted: Really? A historical lesson about Liverpool, that’s...Oh, shit. No! It was to distract me I got him. I got him.
*Magical sfx are heard*
Ted: What is...who is he summoning?
Ringo: Fire is beautiful.
Michael: Whoa! He summoned Ringo.
Ted: Oh my God.
Paul McCartney: You know you’re really beating me within an inch of my life. You could show some mercy.
Ted: Aaand you’re done, son!
Michael: And you got him! Yes!
*Video game voice: Game!
Paul McCartney: Congratulations. You’ve unlocked Paul McCartney.
Ted: Turns out, you need more than love I guess, huh.
Michael: Yeah, you need a good uppercut. And you need to be able to eat someone and turn them into an egg.
Ted: Which he can’t do because of the whole vegan thing.
V.O: This fall on HBO, they’re not so cute and cuddly anymore.
Detective 1: Looks like this poor old postal worker was killed...damn, six or seven
ways. Who should we look at for this?
Detective 2: Judging by the light brown sheddings, and half-eaten pup-peronis, someone left this crime scene in a big, big hurry. I have some ideas.
Detective 1: I’ll get these to the lab.
V.O: When your pets commit crimes...
Detective 2: Keep your paws where I can see them! I’m the alpha. Leave it. Leave it. No...good boy.
V.O: It’s up to an elite unit of New York’s finest…
Detective 1: This canary better start singing like the literal canary that she is.
V.O: To get them off the streets…
Detective 2: Sorry Fido, we don’t calculate sentences in doggy years. Did you get that? Or should I whistle it?
V.O: Out of our yards…
Detective 1: This little piggy robbed a market.
V.O: And away from our children…
Detective 2: Where were you on Saturday the 12th?
Parakeet: Bra. Where were you on Saturday the 12th? Where were you on Saturday the 12th? Brah.
Detective 2: Don’t you dare repeat my questions back to me. Don’t you dare!
Parakeet: Brah. Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare. Brah.
Detective 2: You ever heard of Mister Fluffy Bottom? (Pause) Yeah—14 pound tomcat, used to run the rackets up in Spanish Harlem. Owes me a favor. How’d you like to share a cell with him?
Parakeet: Brah. Fluffy bottom. Brah. How’d you like to...
Detective 2: He’s gonna swallow you whole if you don’t talk, you son of a bitch!
Parakeet: Brah. Son of a bitch. Brah.
V.O: From Executive Producer, David Simon...
Detective 1: Fine swim away from me, Gill. You’re just gonna come back around. And here we are again. You’re just payin’ my overtime with every lap. I’ve got a warrant for this whole fuckin’ bowl. I’m tearin’ apart your little castle in there, and taking you home with me. I’m the first thing you’re gonna see in the morning if you don’t tell me what I want to know. You’re going to answer my fucking questions you freshwater bitch fish!
Detective 2: Look at yourself, Gill. Goldfish turned to a life of fuckin’ crime. You’re a goddamned stereotype.
Detective 1: Sure you can pretend you don’t remember. I’ll keep reminding you every time.
I've got a gang of Siamese fighting fish on the inside that would love a little goldfish like you to play with. You'll be lucky if you last a week. A fucking ichthyologist won’t even be able to identify what species you were. Now give me names!
Detective 2: That little calico we know you’ve been dealing to was found dead in a tree on 57th. Her nose was covered in white powder and her collar was torn to shreds. What do you suppose scared her so much she’d run up a tree she knew she couldn’t climb down from? Only a piece of shit career dealer like you would let that happen. Isn’t that right, Simba?
V.O: It’s…”The Collar.” Coming soon to HBO.
Michael: Guys, thank you so much. That is our first episode.
Ted: Thank you everyone for coming by.
Michael: Stay tuned for so many outtakes (as promised) and our fancy outtro. And you can hear me on my wife Gillian Pensavalle’s podcast, “The Hamilcast” pretty frequently, and you can follow her on Twitter @thehamilcast. And she also has an amazing true crime podcast, with our friend Patrick Hinds, called “True Crime Obsessed.” and you can follow then on Twitter @truecrimeobsess. No e-d. Ted I’d like to dedicate this episode to our ninth grade biology teacher. Because that was the first class we had together, and we immediately started screwing around, and she did not appreciate it. You might say she gave us our first bad reviews. Ted do you have a dedication?
Ted: I do. I’d like to dedicate this episode to chardonnay, served with ice cubes. And a lot of it. Which is my way of saying--cheers, mom! This one goes out to you!
Michael: Alright, that’s our first episode. Thank you so much for listening.
Ted: Thank you guys.
Michael: And we will have a new episode for you next week.
Ted: Bye now.
Mike O’Gorman: Is the workaday muggle life of gravity and physss (stutters).
Mike O’Gorman: Use your time-turner and call five minutes ago, and you can get...fuck! Sorry.
Ted: I used to work at a tool shop. Now I label wrenches at Hogwarts. Yeah, it’s the same thing. But I’m at Hogwarts…(breaks character) I like the idea that wizards still need wrenches.
---Celebrity Smash Brothers--
Mike O’Gorman: (Doing Michael Caine) And when he gets mad, he gets very loud indeed!
Mike O’Gorman: (Paul McCartney) Ooh. We’re losing now. And it’s really a stinky poo-poo feeling.
Richie Kormos: Brah, son of a bitch. Brah. (Breaks character) This is fun.
Michael: This is what we do. Every week.
Ted: Hey...look at me...look at me...I’m the pack leader.
Michael: Those fish are gonna have hunks of your little goldfish ass in their stool.
Ted:That’s your ass, comin’ out their ass, Gill.
Michael: Now give me names.
--Werner and Zahn--
Ted: I thought that Steve was a blonde god sent down from Mount Olympus to save us from Tom Hanks’ laughable direction.
Gillian: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I can’t do it. Oh my God, I’m so sorry.
Ted: This is why we gotta tape this stuff.
Gillian: Alright I’m sorry. Maybe I should read along. It’s the laughable direction...I can’t do it. Ok. Sorry.
Michael: “I thought that Steve” and just give us that...Ted that was so perfect. You’re rampin’ up. It’s great.
Gillian: I need to pay attention to the levels, but I’m to the point where it’s like maybe I shouldn’t even be here.
Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use firstname.lastname@example.org. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.