Season One: Episode Five
-Werner Herzog continues to fawn over a now terrified Steve Zahn in their interview series.
-Michael describes a classic Wall Street Journal cartoon to Ted.
-Donald Trump plays another round of the board game “Guess Who” against his favorite lackey: Stephen Miller.
-Ted and Michael present some new cute things to say to your romantic partner.
-A new product encourages you to eat your alcohol instead of just drinking it.
Michael: Hello hello! Welcome to episode five of season one of Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith
Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.
Michael: Let’s fuckin’ do this.
“Werner and Zahn 3”
Werner: Hello, this is Werner Herzog, presenting another episode of my award-winning interview series: “Werner Herzog Interviews Steve Zahn.” With me as always-Steve Zahn.
Zahn: Uh, I was told this was gonna be at CBS Television Studios. And...I’m in a basement with you, Werner.
Werner: Hush yourself, Steven. That’s quite enough.
Werner: You briefly played a bookstore employee in “You’ve Got Mail” but as far as I’m concerned it might as well have been called “You’ve Got Zahn.” Some people have credited you with the rise of the internet because of this film. I happen to agree!
Zahn: Well Werner, I never invented the, uh…
Werner: Some may think it’s shameful, but I sleep in a dress shirt Seve left in his trailer while filming “War for Planet of the Apes.” It still smells like you Steve, which is to say enchanting.
Zahn: Werner don’t...oh.
Werner: I am currently working on a project called “The Life and Times of Steve Zahn.” Generations will vindicate my adulation of your life and work. I will be shown to be the only one who understood your full genius.
Werner: I must confess, on more than one occasion, I have quietly let myself into Steve’s house late at night to make sure he’s still breathing as he sleeps.
Zahn: That’s weird Wernor, what if my kids saw you.
Werner: They would be dispatched in a merciful way…
Zahn: Werner, what the…
Werner: ...So as they would not scream and disturb your slumber.
Zahn: My God. Werner what about the celebrity code, man? We’re not supposed to stalk each other.
Werner: That’s all the time we have, Steve Zahn. Thank you for being here. This has been Werner Herzog interviews Steve Zahn. And I have been Werner Herzog.
“Wall Street Journal Cartoons (Described)”
V.O: And now, Ted and Michael present, “Wall Street Journal Cartoons (Described).”
Michael: Ok, so what we have here is a classic Wall Street Journal political cartoon from the 1960’s.
Michael: So we’re in an IRS agent’s office.
Michael: The guy’s slick. He’s got his phone, he’s got his pens.
Michael: Big window.
Ted: Alright, so he’s doing well for a bureaucrat.
Michael: Very well. Very well. He’s got no shortage of pens, either.
Ted: Anything on the wall?
Michael: Just a sign that reads, you ready for this?
Michael: Internal Revenue Service.
Ted: Got it. Cause how else would we know?
Michael: Right. And across from him is just the dirtiest hippie you’ve ever seen. He’s got the long hair, the sandals, the oddly patterned vest. He made that vest himself. Put a lot of work into it.
Ted: We know that he made the vest? Or we’re just getting that vibe?
Michael: I’m just getting that vibe. He made that thing upstate in some commune.
Ted: Alright. And is he looking at us?
Michael: His back is to us.
Michael: But we see that he’s got branches in his hair.
Ted: Lots of hair, I assume.
Michael: Oh, so much.
Ted: Dirty hair?
Michael: All the hair. Matted. Yeah.
Ted: Are there stink lines?
Michael: Yeah, I think there are. Yeah. I think that’s what these are. Sweat lines.
Ted: Of course the Wall Street Journal wouldn’t have the hippie look a viewer right in the eye.
Michael: No, no. And the hippie’s head is down on the agent’s desk.
Ted: Like forehead down?
Michael: No, like when you were little and you put your head down in class. Like when Sister Roberta would just say like, “Ted just stop interrupting me and just put your head down.”
Ted: Oh, so like on top of your arms, like you’re taking a nap in class, kind of a thing?
Michael: Exactly. Yeah.
Michael: But either way, he’s despondent. The hippie that is. The agent is delivering him some bad news.
Ted: Is the agent happy about the bad news he’s delivering?
Michael: The agent is neutral, but probably very very happy on the inside. This is Age of Aquarius, for the agent.
Ted: Gotcha. Ok. And what’s the news?
Michael: Uh, the news is, this is the quote. This is the caption: “I’m sorry sir. You can’t list a blown mind as a capital loss.”
Ted: I get it.
Ted: Ok. Cause he’s a hippie.
Michael: He’s a hippie, and he’s useless to society, and this agent is just telling him...
Ted: Your lifestyle can’t be...ok, I get it. At least though, the hippie was trying to pay his taxes. I mean that’s one thing they’re giving him.
Michael: It’s true.
Ted: He’s trying to do his part!
Michael: He showed up at the agent’s office. He’s trying to make it right with Uncle Sam.
Michael: And this slick IRS guys is bustin’ his balls! They don’t have anyone else to go after?
Ted: This is why the country’s in the shape that it’s in.
Michael: You know? No good deed. So, 1960’s cartoon. Still rings true, though.
Ted: Yeah. Although I don’t see a lot of hippies actually going to the IRS to volunteer to pay their taxes.
Michael: That’s true, that part rings...less than true.
Ted: I feel like that’s a Wall Street Journal idea of what a hippie should be doing.
Michael: Right. But that hippie probably grew up, and voted for Ronald Reagan, and is now a member of the NRA. So…
Ted: Yeah, that’s probably true.
Michael: Thanks, baby-boomers.
Ted: Thank you, boomers.
Michael: This one goes out to all the baby-boomers out there.
Ted: In your fat ass Docker pants.
V.O: This has been-Ted and Michael present “Wall Street Journal Cartoons: (Described).”
“Trump Guess Who 4”
V.O: And now, Donald J. Trump and Stephen Miller playing another round of the board game “Guess Who.”
MILLER: Does your person have a pussy?
TRUMP: Yes. Does your person still believe in trickle down economics?
MILLER: Yes. Would you grab your person’s pussy?
TRUMP: Only if I was super bored on an airplane. Does your person support clean coal?
MILLER: (Getting excited) He supports it. Does your person look like any of your wives?
TRUMP: Before during or after their marriage to me?
MILLER: Any of those.
TRUMP: Ok, yes. Does your person have reading glasses and gray hair?
MILLER: You know it! Is your person wearing pink?
TRUMP: No. But I can tell you that your person is Preston!
MILLER: Got me again. Man, you’re too good!
TRUMP: It’s true. I have a terrific brain. In my skull.
V.O: This has been Donald Trump and Stephen Miller, playing Guess Who.
“New Terms of Endearment”
V.O: And now, Ted and Michael present, new terms of endearment and sweet nothings you should feel free to use with your partner.
Ted: You’re my ‘lil wheatgrass shot. You are my little shot ‘a wheat grass.
Michael: You’re my ‘lil Hans Klopek. Your hair is orange, and you’re always wearing suspenders. And you eat sardines like they’re sour patch kids.
Ted: You are my ‘lil working rotary phone: kitchy, but so unnecessary.
Michael: You are the barium drink before a sonogram. You just light me up inside.
Ted: You’re a Wise potato chip. #2 in the market, but still totally solid.
Michael: You’re my Zodiac killer: enigmatic, confident, and always talking about yourself.
Ted: You’re like background music. I’m not paying attention, but you’re always there.
Michael: You’re not exactly a placeholder. But if something better comes along, I’m gonna check it out before I flat out say, “No sorry, I’m married.”
Ted: Exactly one year ago today, I remembered your name after a year of calling you “sport.” That day was the day that you told me, no, your name was not indeed Carroll. It was Jeanine. Do you remember that Jeanine?
V.O: Hey there football fan. Tired of attending the same boring Super Bowl party? Wings, nachos, and dips sure are boring year after year. But more importantly, they get in the way of your drinking. You’re working on a nice buzz when someone hands you a plate of nachos, and in no time at all the tortilla chips have soaked up the alcohol you worked so hard to consume. Well, not anymore. Get sauced with Smirnoff’s Nacho Vodka Sauce. It’s classic Smirnoff vodka blended with an artificially colored cheese substitute and thickener. No longer will pesky food get in the way of your drinking. So next time this happens...
Guy: Pete, want some nachos?
V.O: You’ll have the perfect response.
Pete: (Slurring) I’ve, I’ve got brought my own, you fat fuck. I’ll eat this stuff off your wife’s fat ass. Ya shit.
*This line starts a fight with sounds that continue under the tag line.
Pete: There’s no kicking in fights.
V.O: Smirnoff’s Nacho Vodka Sauce. Don’t let food stand in the way of your problem drinking.
Guy: (Still fighting) Just hold still. Why are you taking your shirt off? Just fucking...
Pete: I’m like a watermelon covered in Vaseline. I will slip right through your fucking hands.
Guy: Oww! You stepped on my foot.
Ted: Thank you guys for tuning in to episode five of Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. That last sketch featured my lovely wife, Hallie O’Gorman. Mike, how do you think that episode went?
Michael: H-Rog. Fantastic. Love her. Love you. I feel great about it, man. My favorite thing about Nacho Vodka is the reference to “thickener.” Because nothing sounds more appetizing than something that’s a...
Michael: Thickener. That’s like, that’s right up there with “moist.”
Ted: I think it’s worse than “moist.”
Ted: Mike, do you have anyone that you’d like to dedicate this episode to?
Michael: Ted, I’d like to dedicate this episode to On the Border. Not an ad, just a lovely Mexican restaurant that didn’t complain when a group of nerdy teenagers loitered around their parking lot after their meal, while they practiced boy band choreography.
Ted: Had to work off those chicken flautas.
Michael: Mmmm, with the dipping sauce.
Michael: Yeah. Wasn’t a lot to do in the suburbs.
Ted: No, there wasn’t.
Michael: Ted, do you have a dedication?
Ted: I do. This episode is dedicated to all the wonderful grave diggers out there. Thanks for helping us store our dead people in one place so they’ll be easier to track in the event of a zombie uprising.
Michael: Stay tuned for outtakes and our fancy outtro. And we have a new episode coming out next Wednesday, and you can hear me on my wife, our producer, Gillian Pensavalle’s podcast, “The Hamilcast” from time to time. And you can find her @thehamilcast.
--Werner and Zahn 3--
Zahn: That’s weird, Werner. What if my kids saw you? They might be scared of a stranger in the house at 3am!
Werner: I will use grote wire to strangle them in a way that they would not be able to produce sound beyond a shallow gasp. I would not want their screams to wake you from your much needed slumber, Steve Zahn. I would never do something like that to you!
--New Terms of Endearment--
Michael: You remind me of a reef that causes a shipwreck. Sure the crew is now on a beautiful tropical island. But they do still feel trapped, and they long for home.
Ted: Every time I ask you what you’d like to order for dinner, for each time you reply, “I don’t know. You pick.” I know what you really mean is, “I love you.” And for each time I reply with a suggestion, and you reply, “No. Not that. Something else,” I know what you really mean is, “I love you times infinity.” Right Jeneane?
Ted: I’ve, got, I’ve brought...I have my own. You fat fuck.
Ted: I’ll eat this stuff off your wife’s fat ass.
Michael: Hey! Don’t…
Michael: YOU KNOW WHAT!?
Ted: Bring it…
*They break character and everyone laughs.*
Michael: He’s so confident!
Hallie: I really liked how you ended the first one with “Ya shit.” I thought that was really good.
Ted: Wait, “Your wife’s fat ass...ya shit?” Ok. Alright.
Ted: You can’t kick me outta here, I wan’leave anyway. This party sucks. You don’t know how to host anything. You couldn’t even host a goddamn Groundhog’s Day. You son of a bitch.
Michael: How do you fight so well when you’re so drunk?
Ted: I grew up in a street gang.
Ted: We were called, umm The Wanderers. Cause we’d wander around cause we never remembered where we put our stuff. We lost a lotta things. We lost some good guys. It was a crazy time to be twelve.
Ted: My mom wasn’t around a lot, and that’s why I made sandwiches so much. I wasn’t allowed to use the oven to make dinner...but that’s not why I drink...I don’t know, maybe it is.
Michael: I’d say it definitely is.
Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use firstname.lastname@example.org. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.