Michael: Hello everyone. Welcome to “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” I’m Michael Paul Smith.

*Ted groans.

Michael: And that’s Ted O’Gorman. And our first sketch features our first international guest appearance. It feels noteworthy. Hey Karl Queensborough. We see you.

---

“Joker Gets A Pedicure”

V.O: And now we present super villain The Joker getting a pedicure.

Joker: Ahhh, ohhh yeah. That feels nice. These in-growns are driving me insane. Yeah, you might as well pretty them up while you’re down there. What kinda colors are we looking at? Can we do a different color on every toe? I’m the joker for God’s sake. If we can’t, then definitely purple. It’s kinda my thing. I know you guys never believe me, but I speak a little Korean and I can tell you guys are talkin’ about me! (Laughing) That tickles. LOOK AT YOU GO! You know, my father used to cut my toenails (Laughs maniacally).

---

“Rube Goldberg Machine”

Ted: Hey guys! We've got something pretty special for you today. Mike and I have been working on this for about a week now.

MPS: So many trips to the hardware store for sections of pipe, and rubber bands, a soldering iron, mouse traps..

Ted: We needed three different matchbox cars and eight fidget spinners, dominos (of course), legos, a single quail egg…

MPS: A full vintage erector set, my water pik…

Ted: And don’t forget the slide whistle, washboard, and finally…

Ted and MPS: The mini-fountain.

MPS: We had to start from scratch twice. Had several heated arguments.

Ted: Almost came to blows.

MPS: Let’s...I don’t wanna talk about that.

Ted: Agreed.

MPS: But the effort was worth it. Listeners, we are proud to present the first ever Ted And Michael Rube Goldberg Machine. Now if this goes well, all of these items will fit together Mouse Trap style…

Ted: Mouse Trap the classic board game.

MPS: Yes, now…

Ted: That could be confusing because we’re utilizing several real mouse traps in the machine.

MPS: Right. True enough. The machine will…

Ted: (Singing) Just turn the crank and snap the plank and bump the marble right down the shoot, now watch it roll and hit the pole and knock the ball in the rub-a-dub-tub…

MPS: THANK. (Pause) You.

Ted: Oh, you’re welcome.

MPS: The machine will effectively turn on the tv here in my living room, without us having to lift a finger.

Ted: We’ve lifted several fingers.

MPS: Well, without us having to lift any more fingers.

Ted: We’ve been working for hours.

MPS: But now we can relax.

Ted: We almost came to blows.

MPS: Will you shut up and...just do the honors.

Ted: Ok here goes.

MPS: We only have the one quail egg, so aim carefully.

*Sound of water being squirted, an egg starts rolling, then a ball bearing rolls and drops, a toy dog barks, several mouse traps snap, the ball bearing keeps rolling. This goes on for longer than expected, then a slide whistle sounds, a long domino effect (of actual dominos), then a fidget spinner, a ball rolls over a washboard, matchbox cars roll, and then they crash into a lego wall. Then the TV turns on.

MPS: It worked! We are geniuses

Ted: We are GENIUSES!

MPS: We are geniuses of comedy. AND SCIENCE!

Ted: I can’t believe it paid off! We did it!

*Front door opens

Ted: And now Gillian’s here! This day just keeps getting better. Look what we did!

Gillian: Hey guys, what are you doing?

MPS: We just unveiled our rube goldberg machine to the world.

Ted: We’re gonna get loads of listeners with this.

Gillian: Did you film it?

MPS: (Pause) No.

Ted: Not really how podcasts work Gillian, (laughing) you of all people should know... Oh, no. I see.

MPS: Yup, just got it. This will not play well as just audio.

Gillian: Morons. I’m working with absolute morons.

MPS: Hey! This would make a good sketch. It could be an episode of Scenes For A Visual Medium!

Gillian: Well how do you propose we do that NOW? You spent all this time, you made a huge mess, and you’ve already…

V.O: (Interrupting) This has been another: Scenes Exclusively For A Visual Medium. (Pause) Problem solved.

Ted: Yeah, problem solved.

Gillian: I mean, not really, but…

MPS: Can you clean this up though?

Ted: Yeah, we’re pretty gassed from building the machine.

Gillian: Oh, are you?

*Long pause

Ted: Yeah.

---

“Celebrity Smash Brothers 4”

V.O: And now we present: Ted and Michael unlocking secret celebrity characters in the video game “Smash Brothers”, already in progress.

Game Voice: Challengers approach!

Michael: So many more people to unlock.

Ted: I gotta say, it’s a weird roster they have.

Michael: But it makes you a better player though. Cause you’re getting really good at this.

Alan Rickman: Alan Rickman.

Ted: Oh my God!

Michael: I’m scared already.

Game Voice: 3...2...1...GO!

Alan Rickman: Come on, little man. I’ve used off brand paper towels that seemed stronger than you.

Michael: I’ve never been more scared of paper towels before.

Ted: Oh my God, do you think he’s gonna be more Snape or more Hans Gruber?

Alan Rickman: Trust me, you don’t want me as your enemy.

Michael: He sounds pretty Snape-like to me.

Ted: Alright Mike, so what do I do here?

Michael: Well you gotta watch out for the hair grease cause he leaves a trail of it everywhere he goes.

Ted: I don’t see a wand. He could use a potion against me, but…

Alan Rickman: I’m gonna cut your heart out with a spoon.

Michael: He blends into the shadows, too. He is wearing that giant cloak.

Ted: Let me just...he’s got me!

Michael: Pick up the barrel! Well, you gotta throw the barrel if you’re gonna pick it up.

Ted: You can’t just say “Pick it up” you have to say “Throw it.”

Alan Rickman: This time John Wayne does not walk off into the sunset with Grace Kelly.

Michael: Is that a “Die Hard” quote? It seems like a “Die Hard” “Harry Potter” mashup.

Ted: Yeah, I don’t know what they’re going for with him.

Michael: Whoa! I didn’t know he could do that. Roundhouse kick on the floor.

Ted: You’ll notice there’s nothing from “Love Actually” happening here.

Alan Rickman: It’s like the air is full of spices.

Ted: What does that mean, “ It’s like the air is full of spices”? I don’t understand that.

Michael: It looks like there’s a brown mist in the air. I thought it was dirt, but maybe it’s-you know, nutmeg.

Ted: Did he just…

Michael: Cinnamon.

Ted: Did he just blow cinnamon into my guy’s face?

Alan Rickman: OH NO! YOU’RE ONE OF THEM!

Ted: Alright. He’s on the ropes!

Michael: Pound away, pound away at the keys.

Alan Rickman: By Grapthor’s hammer, I shall be avenged.

Michael: Get under his cloak! Get under his cloak!

Ted: Got him!

Game voice: Game!

Alan Rickman: Well, you’ve defeated me. Now we’ll have to call off Christmas.

Michael: Well, you’ll have to call off Christmas, Alan Rickman. I’m celebrating.

Alan Rickman: Well congratulations, you’ve unlocked Alan Rickman.

Ted: Alright so who’s next, Mike? Do you know, or is it just a grab bag of…

Michael: Just a grab bag. Sometimes people just pop up and you gotta fight them right away.

Game Voice: Challengers approach!

Neil Cavuto: Neil Cavuto!

Michael: Like this little imp. Who is this?

Ted: Is that the guy from Fox?

Michael: Yeah...I only know him from Daily Show clips.

Ted: Oh, God. I hate this guy.

Game Voice: 3...2...1...GO!

Neil Cavuto: Come and get it, you attractive airhead!

Michael: Why…? Nintendo must have been really desperate for…

Ted: It seems like an odd choice.

Neil Cavuto: Is that all you’ve got, you ugly idiot?

Michael: Is that really how he sounds!?

Neil Cavuto: You got Cavuto’d!

Michael: Please just finish him so we don’t have to listen to him.

Ted: Oh my God, he’s awful.

Michael: Just focus on the L and R.

Ted: Yeah let’s...forget about this.

Neil Cavuto: You got me!

Ted: Oh, that felt good hitting him.

Michael: Good, now put him in a chokehold.

Ted: Can I possibly jam the other hand down his gullet just to stop him from speaking?

Neil Cavuto: I’m gonna die.

Game voice: Game!

Michael: Wow. Perfect.

Ted: Yeah, I would say for once his cowardice was immeasurable.

Neil Cavuto: Congratulations, you’ve unlocked Fox’s Neil Cavuto.

Ted: Now that we got him out of the way, I guess up the hill we go, huh?

Game Voice: Challengers approach!

Bernie Sanders: Vermont Senator-Bernie Sanders.

Michael: Oh, we’re on the other end of the spectrum here.

Ted: Yeah.

Michael: But he’s...he’s prickly.

Game Voice: 3...2...1...GO!

Bernie Sanders: Come on, runt. I’m gonna eradicate you like hatred, racism, and bigotry.

Ted: Can I get him a comb?

Michael: If you could beat Sam Elliott up, you can beat Bernie up.

Ted: He just looks so disheveled and sickly.

Bernie Sanders: I’m gonna feed you a socialist sandwich, mister.

Michael: What does a socialist sandwich taste like?

Ted: Equality, Mike. Equality.

Bernie Sanders: I’m gonna knock you back to a time when the standard was a 40 hour work week.

Michael: Be careful. He might summon some of those Bernie bros. Yoshi has no defense against Twitter bullying, toxic masculinity, that kind of thing.

Bernie Sanders: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. I feel like I’m having another heart attack. That is to say-I’ll have the heart attack, and then I’ll be back in the game.

Michael: Wow, he just talks the whole time, doesn’t he?

Ted: Yeah, he doesn’t stop.

Bernie Sanders: Knish. Knish. Knish.

Michael: Did he just say knish?

Ted: I think so, yeah. He jumped.

Michael: Delicious. I like them with mustard.

Ted: I like them. Yeah. Can we get a knish?

Michael: Yeah, sure. We can order from the bagel place.

Ted: Do they deliver?

Bernie Sanders: I’m losing. This is unacceptable.

Michael: Probably wants us all to punch each other equally.

Bernie Sanders: Knish.

Michael: Does he have sinus issues? It always seems like he has allergies, or…

Ted: Something’s plugged up.

Michael: Yeah. Or deviated…

Game voice: Game!

Bernie Sanders: I mean, I’m absolutely beaten. I feel like Kathy Grumquist from Stanhope Idaho. An unemployed, uninsured mother of five.

Ted: I know I’ve just beaten a guy that’s nearly 80 years old, but the fact that he’s still talking about the working class in defeat is really refreshing.

Bernie Sanders: Well congratulations. You’ve unlocked Bernie Sanders.

V.O: This has been Ted and Michael unlocking secret celebrity characters in the video game “Smash Brothers.”

---

Michael: So guys, here’s the thing. Gillian said that we have to break up the sketches that start with “And now we present…” She feels like there’s too many “And now we presents.”

Ted: You know Mike, if it’s not one thing, it’s another.

Michael: Hey, I live with her. You don’t have to tell me.

Ted: I don’t know how you do it, honestly. Do you wanna come stay with me for a couple days?

Michael: I mean, in lieu of that, is there a euphemism for “And now we present…”?

Ted: Here’s another sketch, gang.

Gillian: Then it’ll be, “And now we present…”

*They laugh

“Connery Needs TP”

V.O.: And now we present legendary actor Sean Connery in a public bathroom, after running out of toilet paper.

S.C: Hello? Is anybody out there? I’m embarrassed to say this, but I’ve run out of toilet paper and I was hoping you could toss me a roll. Hello? This is legendary actor Sean Connery asking for a simple favor while I find myself in this most undignified of situations. I’m so weak. In truth I may soon need medical attention to correct what seems to be my rapid dehydration. In all honesty this stuff is pouring out of me like an oil slick from a secret agent's Aston Martin DB5 while he drives at high speeds trying to evade those who are pursuing him. It doesn’t even need to be a full roll. Who am I kidding? It does need to be a full roll. Only a full roll will suffice. Have you ever put a thumb over a garden hose to increase the water pressure and make it spray at odd angles? That's happening in this stall without my intention. I swear to god I’ve managed to poop up! This is my punishment for doing that Barbera Walters interview where I said it’s sometimes ok to hit women. Yes, me Sean Connery said that and defended that claim repeatedly. Shame on you, Sean. Shame on all of you

V.O. This has been Sean Connery in a public bathroom, after running out of toilet paper.

“Orphan Fraud Kit”

MPS: Do you find that people think you were handed everything in life?

Does the fact that you were raised in a stable nuclear family leave people thinking you grew up on easy street? Do you wish you had a few stories of hardship in your upbringing so people would believe you’re more street smart than book smart? Well look no further. Tyburn Industries is proud to present the “I grew up as an orphan fraud kit.” With this patented case of materials you’ll convince almost anyone that you grew up as an orphan. The only people that will know the truth are you and your parents, or should we say “foster parents”? Your kit includes:

-Several photoshopped pictures of you among other kids in an overpopulated group home. Be sure to feature them prominently in your apartment. They’re an interesting conversation piece...

Stephanie: (Laughing) Why do you have an old picture of all these sad looking kids on a porch in front of a house that’s falling apart?

Mitch: Well, that’s me right there. I lived in a group home with eight other kids for two years. The woman in the picture is Miss Ida. She ran the home. She was quick with an insult, but even quicker with a switch.

Stephanie: Oh my God, you poor baby. You had no one to love you.

Mitch: I had my dreams of getting out of there. Sometimes that’s all a kid needs. Not a lot of people would think running a carpet store would make a guy feel like he’d hit the top. But try growing up wishing the hardwood floor you slept on had just a little bit of carpet.

Stephanie: I had no idea you had it so rough… (Sound of kissing) Dinner smells amazing. What is that?

Mitch: It’s porridge. It's all I know how to make.

Stephanie: Ok. That settles it. I’m taking you out for a steak dinner. No ifs ands or buts, mister. Get your coat!

MPS: And for the first time ever Tyburn Industries is offering a customizable fraud kit. Choose the orphan experience you want to convince people you actually lived through. We’re offering Dickensian, urban, country, child soldier, or “lived under a bridge”. One constant is the photoshopped picture of an eleven year old you in mugshot form. This can be placed prominently in the workplace to evoke sympathy and also make co-workers feel bad about themselves.

Peter: Hey, Mitch we’ve got a pool going. Who’s the kid in the mugshot in the frame on your desk? Is that like a thing you did with your kid at Disney?

Mitch: No man, That’s me when I was a boy. Just a little reminder that I’m not getting locked up for stealing bread. My job might just look like data entry to you, but every paycheck lets me know I don’t have to get busted for being hungry.

Peter: Jesus, I had no idea.

Mitch: That’s because you never asked, Pete. You never asked.

MPS: And when you’re not the best player on the rec-league baseball team, take your victory in the locker room. Our paste-on scars are guaranteed to distract from your poor athletic showing.

Allan: Way to miss that pop up Mitch My daughter plays t-ball and I’ve never seen her botch a play like that. Might be time for a bigger mitt!

Mitch: Sorry, Allen I’ll try not to let it happen again.

Allen: Jesus Mitch what’s that shit all over your back?

Mitch: One of my many foster parents walked with a cane but didn’t exactly need it for balance, if you get my meaning. Sorry about the pop up. I never played little league. Only learned the game two years ago. Don’t worry I won’t bother you guys again.

Allan: Oh, man. Mitch I’m sorry. Mitch! Do you want to talk? You can take my position at short, ok. I was just talking shit! Want some money?

V.O: Tyburn Industries Orphan Fraud Kit. “Buy before you lie.” ™.

---

MPS: Hey you beautiful people. I hope you enjoyed that episode. Ted feels it. I feel it. We’re all feelin’ it!

Ted: Yeah.

MPS: That’s right! You know it! This episode is dedicated to fake flowers. Thanks for decorating the homes of the cheapest and least responsible among us.

Ted: Don’t forget old Italian women.

MPS: I thought they were more of a waxed fruit demographic.

Ted: No, that’s for the kitchen table. Fake flowers are for the dining room table.

MPS: Do you really know what you’re talking about?

Ted: Well let’s ask the Italian.

MPS: G?

Gillian: As the resident half Irish, half Italian here, yes. My grandparents had both.

MPS: Well there you have it.

Ted: Settled. I hope this has helped all of you, and that you proceed accordingly.

Michael: Stay tuned for outtakes, which amazingly will not include this! And of course we have a new episode coming out next week. You can hear me on Gillian’s podcast The Hamilcast, from time to time. You can find that show on Twitter and Instagram @thehamilcast. And she also has a True Crime podcast called True Crime Obsessed, and you can find them on Twitter @truecrimeobsess (no e-d).

---

“Outtakes”

MPS: Ted’s in a mood.

Ted: Ted is never in a good mood, and is always a thorn in your side.

--

“Joker Gets A Pedicure”

Karl: At my last robbery, I needed a stepstool, just to get on a table to tell people that a robbery was even happening.

Karl: Don’t get me started.

--

“Rube Goldberg Machine”

Ted: Hey look at this! Now Gillian’s harrr...sorry.

---

Ted: Hey look at this! Now Gillian’s harrr...why can’t I say that? Fuck.

---

MPS: Let’s be enthusiastic the whole time.

Ted: Sure. Hey guys, welcome back.

MPS: See this is what I’m talking about! Let’s be enthusiastic the whole time. “Hey guys. Welcome back.”

---

MPS: Can, can you clean this up?

Ted: Yeah, we’re pretty gassed.

Gillian: Can, can you produce your own podcast?

Ted: I mean, no. But you didn’t answer the question about...can you clean it up? Like, Mike and I will probably get a slice now.

Gillian: I miss Hallie.

---

“Connery Needs TP”

S.C: You see, I normally wouldn’t use a public bathroom on the side of the Palisades Parkway.

SC: But as it happens I had some beef carpaccio at what I now realize was an unsanitary Italian restaurant about a half hour ago.

---

“Celebrity Smash Bros.”

MPS: Did John Wayne ever walk into the sunset with Grace Kelly, or is that...?

Ted: I don’t know. I just know that that’s a line from “Die Hard.”

MPS: I’ll IMDB it later.

---

Ted: You think he was just in their offices one day and just happened to walk by and they said, “Hey Neil. Come record some of this stuff”?

MPS: that’s better than anything I could’ve guessed. They must’ve already booked the room or something.

Ted: Yeah.

---

Neil Cavuto: Please show some mercy. I’m having a hard day.

---

MPS: I actually did find knishes from the bagel place, so here. Take a look.

Ted: Oh, awesome.

---

“Orphan Fraud Kit”

Ted: But try growing up wishing the hardwood floor you slept on had just a little bit of carpet.

Michael: Sorry. Gillian and I, we had a moment.

Ted: Was that alright?

Gillian and Michael: Yeah, that was great.

---

Mike Houston: Oh, man. Mitch I’m sorry. Mitch! Do you want to talk? You can take my position at short, ok. I was just talking shit! Want some money?

*Gillian laughs

Ted: Did your laugh cut that off, or…

Gillian: No I think it’s alright. I can just see you naked in the shower, reaching for your back pocket, like “You want some money--oh God!”

---

“Credits”

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast, guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.

Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.

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